Am I Alone For Not Loving My Child?

This is VERY personal, so please don’t judge me for this or leave negative comments. My 2nd son was born with down syndrome, 3 tiny holes in his heart and IA.

We were expecting a healthy, normal baby. I was heartbroken. The second I saw him, I just *knew* something was wrong. But I couldn’t place it. I thought it was impossible for me to have a child with down syndrome, as I thought it was genetic. No ultrasounds detected anything wrong. 😞 T

he cord was wrapped around his neck twice at birth so he had to be put on 24/7 oxygen and a pulse oximeter. We stayed in the NICU with him for a month before he was released to go home. Once we were home, I was still so devastated. I had 2 under the age of 2. I was also by myself for 12+ hours a day with a fragile newborn (who was eating every 4 hours and connected to tons of wires) and a just turned 1 year old.

I had a mental breakdown. I couldn’t handle it. I felt no love for my 2nd son. I didn’t feel hate, but betrayal (by God) and hurt.

I couldn’t find it in myself to love this little baby boy, no matter how much I tried. It made me feel like a horrible mother. 😭 Why couldn’t I love this precious gift from God!? Who had already smiled at me when he was only 2 weeks! I hated myself.

My 2nd son ended up being taken out of my care. He now lives with a relative of his. He is a little over a year old. I see him when I’m able, I’ve seen him 4 times since he was taken out of my care. He lives about 4/5 hours away. I wish I could say my feelings about him have changed. I wish I could say I want to have him with me and his brother (my 1st son). I’ve struggled with mental illness since I was a child. I am on medication and seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist. Has anyone else struggled with anything remotely like this? I just want to know that I’m not alone. I never once felt this was with my first son. My love for him was instant. He looked just like me when I was a baby. I still love him more than anything in the world. Please don’t think I’m a terrible person. 😭🥺


2 thoughts on “Am I Alone For Not Loving My Child?

  • 15th September 2019 at 8:09 am

    You mentioned countless times your not a horrible person and for people no to judge or leave horrible comments. To me if you say that then you know your a horrible person and you deserve to be judged. It is a parents responsibility to love their child. If their own parent cant love them then what hope do they have. You mentioned you gave the baby away but haven’t mentioned the father?

  • 7th October 2019 at 7:20 pm

    You are very brave for being so honest, love is not an automatic thing and I think your metal health and the tiny age gap between your babies didn’t help, I hope you find the peace you deserve xx


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