Fire And Poo- Funniest Parenting Fail Day

If anyone hasn’t got children and are planning on having any, below is 2 reasons why you absolutely should never give birth to anything

The other day I was making sausages mash veg and gravy for the kids. Baring in mind they only eat Richmond.

Maia comes in. Face like a bucket full of turds

Maia: I don’t like sausages

Me: yes you do they’re the ones you always have the only ones you eat.

Her; no they’re spicy I don’t like them

Me: * wtf you little tit you’ve had them every couple of weeks for 10 years. They’re fucking Richmond, they’re probably 99.9% offal flaccid looking things with absolutely no spice in them what so ever* they’re no spicy darling you really like them

Her: well I don’t like them now

Me: mixing gravy. What are you going to have with your mash then

Her: shrugs

Me*opens fridge, freezer and every cupboard like fucking entities have been in* what about nuggets? Turkey emojis? Fish fingers? Actual fish? Fish cakes? Sweet corn? Beans? Pie? Noodles?

Her: no no no no no

27 different meal options I gave her 20 fucking 7

Me:

Her:

Me: what the hell then??

Her:kebab??

Me; no Maia I’m not ordering you a kebab

Her storms off upstairs hollering she wants no dinner and I’m pretty sure if she had a door that worked she would have slammed it

Anyway. The baby’s in bed I’m hoovering and mopping like cinder fucking rella. Muttering obscenities under my breath whilst using the 360 spin mop that is utter shite and hurts my back.

Low and fucking behold there’s Maia on the kitchen side her head in the cupboard that was open for 20 minutes over and hour ago.

Me: what are you doing

Her; I’m having super noodles

Me: I offered them to you an hour ago. You’re going to have to wait until the floors dry and I’ll do it

Her: I’ll do it. I’ve read the packet I can do it

FUCK SAKE.

Me: ok then just make sure you read it properly and follow the instructions

Also me: sits down to write shopping list

I can smell this funny smell. Something not to dissimilar to when I burnt my cheek with molten plastic in the phone box down forest way when I was about 14. Don’t even ask

Fuck me sideways. Maia comes bursting into the room.

The microwaves on fire

For a fat bird I’m off that sofa and in the kitchen like a shot

There’s fucking flames in the microwave

Flames

I’m thinking shit Charlotte she’s boiled them dry. You’ll not get Tesco mum of the year award this year for the 21st year in a row

I open the door

Stand back

Get the baby out

Grab the inferno in a bowl with a wet tea towel and run for the front door

I’m like basil fawlty

Hopping up and down on the spot looking left and right thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do

I see the bin

It’s empty

Binmen came yesterday

Chuck it in there Charlotte and go get some water

I get to the kitchen look out the window and the fucking bins on fire

Wtf??? Why are there flames coming out of the bin

Maia: I put the guess who and low face boxes in the bin

Fuck

The bins on fire

Anyway I manage to extinguish it before it burns the neighbours fence down

Took a minute or 2 to recover then I said to Maia, did the water boil dry??

Her: water? What water? I didn’t know you needed to put water in it

There were no words. I clearly am not cut out to parent anything

Ok so today the baby has the shits

Sore arse and ball sack

In my infinite wisdom I think let him go nappy free fresh air will do it good

I go to get the washing in and put the rabbit away

I’m walking back in with an arm full of washing

I can’t really see the floor

I step in something squidgey

I put the washing on the stairs

There’s fucking shit everywhere

My foot prints

His foot prints

Hand prints

There’s shit fucking everywhere

I’m too scared to look

There he is sat on the sofa stretching his little todger a yard,  butt naked and covered in his own shit

There’s shit on the sofa

There’s shit on the rug

There’s shit on his face

There’s shit on my feet

There’s shit in the hall way

I ran with him arms out stretched straight up the stairs to the bath

I’m nauseous

I’m crying

I’ve borrowed bleach off the neighbour

Seriously

Never give birth to anything

Full credit Charlotte Blake

Author: XGemx

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