If anyone hasn’t got children and are planning on having any, below is 2 reasons why you absolutely should never give birth to anything
The other day I was making sausages mash veg and gravy for the kids. Baring in mind they only eat Richmond.
Maia comes in. Face like a bucket full of turds
Maia: I don’t like sausages
Me: yes you do they’re the ones you always have the only ones you eat.
Her; no they’re spicy I don’t like them
Me: * wtf you little tit you’ve had them every couple of weeks for 10 years. They’re fucking Richmond, they’re probably 99.9% offal flaccid looking things with absolutely no spice in them what so ever* they’re no spicy darling you really like them
Her: well I don’t like them now
Me: mixing gravy. What are you going to have with your mash then
Me*opens fridge, freezer and every cupboard like fucking entities have been in* what about nuggets? Turkey emojis? Fish fingers? Actual fish? Fish cakes? Sweet corn? Beans? Pie? Noodles?
Her: no no no no no
27 different meal options I gave her 20 fucking 7
Me: what the hell then??
Me; no Maia I’m not ordering you a kebab
Her storms off upstairs hollering she wants no dinner and I’m pretty sure if she had a door that worked she would have slammed it
Anyway. The baby’s in bed I’m hoovering and mopping like cinder fucking rella. Muttering obscenities under my breath whilst using the 360 spin mop that is utter shite and hurts my back.
Low and fucking behold there’s Maia on the kitchen side her head in the cupboard that was open for 20 minutes over and hour ago.
Me: what are you doing
Her; I’m having super noodles
Me: I offered them to you an hour ago. You’re going to have to wait until the floors dry and I’ll do it
Her: I’ll do it. I’ve read the packet I can do it
Me: ok then just make sure you read it properly and follow the instructions
Also me: sits down to write shopping list
I can smell this funny smell. Something not to dissimilar to when I burnt my cheek with molten plastic in the phone box down forest way when I was about 14. Don’t even ask
Fuck me sideways. Maia comes bursting into the room.
The microwaves on fire
For a fat bird I’m off that sofa and in the kitchen like a shot
There’s fucking flames in the microwave
I’m thinking shit Charlotte she’s boiled them dry. You’ll not get Tesco mum of the year award this year for the 21st year in a row
I open the door
Get the baby out
Grab the inferno in a bowl with a wet tea towel and run for the front door
I’m like basil fawlty
Hopping up and down on the spot looking left and right thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do
I see the bin
Binmen came yesterday
Chuck it in there Charlotte and go get some water
I get to the kitchen look out the window and the fucking bins on fire
Wtf??? Why are there flames coming out of the bin
Maia: I put the guess who and low face boxes in the bin
The bins on fire
Anyway I manage to extinguish it before it burns the neighbours fence down
Took a minute or 2 to recover then I said to Maia, did the water boil dry??
Her: water? What water? I didn’t know you needed to put water in it
There were no words. I clearly am not cut out to parent anything
Ok so today the baby has the shits
Sore arse and ball sack
In my infinite wisdom I think let him go nappy free fresh air will do it good
I go to get the washing in and put the rabbit away
I’m walking back in with an arm full of washing
I can’t really see the floor
I step in something squidgey
I put the washing on the stairs
There’s fucking shit everywhere
My foot prints
His foot prints
There’s shit fucking everywhere
I’m too scared to look
There he is sat on the sofa stretching his little todger a yard, butt naked and covered in his own shit
There’s shit on the sofa
There’s shit on the rug
There’s shit on his face
There’s shit on my feet
There’s shit in the hall way
I ran with him arms out stretched straight up the stairs to the bath
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