How Can You Not See Your Children

32 weeks no contact.

32 weeks of missed milestones.

32 weeks missed of growth in all kinds of ways.

32 weeks of stress.

32 weeks of tears.

Missed birthdays, Christmas, hospital appointments, hospital stays, major infections, operations, school placements, fights with senco and myself.

32 weeks.

How can you go 32 weeks without even a second thought to two little boys who once loved you more than life itself. I forgive you for everything you did to me. I forgive you all the pain and the scars; the bad memories, the doubts, the fear, the damage.

I forgive you. I hope the life she is providing for you is the one you needed. Because I don’t possess the ability to envy you. Even though I spend every single waking moment crying out for bedtime for some peace. I couldn’t go 32 weeks without seeing my boys. MY boys. The boys WE created. But you chose to leave behind because your hatred towards me overpowered your love for them.

Meanwhile I’m doing my best to raise two littles into men to be proud of. I keep them safe. I may not have a £700 a week income like yourself. You may have your fancy car and your holidays, and we may only have primark’s finest for the time being and trips to Blackpool.

But our trips to Blackpool are full of memories. Wonderful beautiful memories with people who have taken on a role without even realising. People who care more in these 32 weeks than you have ever done. Who hold so much love for those boys my heart could burst at times.

They’re typical arsehole kids. They cause trouble wherever they go. But where as you saw them as a burden, these people see them as a world full of possibilities. They see the potential in Jace’s destructive side, they see the intelligence in Brodie’s attitude and the passion in them both because at only 4 and 2 they stand up for what they believe in.

And as much as I always wanted that perfect family. A mummy a daddy; their babies and even a dog! I’d take my family and my team as it is right here right now any day.

They have the BEST Male role models. They have somebody who will drop everything to see them when they ask. Rather than somebody (you) who chooses to drop hours because it’s and I quote ‘not normal to see them other than 10 hours a weekend).

I really hope you found your peace mark. I do. At one point I loved you more than I loved myself. And regardless of the pain I’ll always hold hope that one day you’ll live a happy life.

Because it must be so painful, to lead a life full of such regret, pain and shame.

Credit Kayleigh Jace Jade