I posted this in response to someone feeling a certain way about other’s healthy kids & their heart warrior & their own heathy kids, but I wanted to share it to see if anyone else feels/felt this way because I honestly feel so guilty about it.
I can’t wait to NOT feel this way but I can’t help it maybe I’m just not as good of a person as I thought so here goes.
I feel like garbage for having these feelings but my husband & I tried so hard to get pregnant, it took so long & then to find out at 26 weeks our son has a complex CHD & will need the 3 stages of open heart surgery to reroute everything & then a transplant as a young adult.
I’m now 29 weeks & can’t help but feel bitter & jealous when I see healthy babies, especially with people I know that weren’t trying to get pregnant/didn’t want to & weren’t ready & don’t even get me started on the mum’s I know who considered abortion or adoption for their healthy child I’m like WHY couldn’t I have a healthy baby!
I did EVERYTHING “the right way” I went to school, I got a great career, I dated for a long time, then married, then bought a house & then & only then when I felt I could give my child everything it needed, everything I didn’t have as a kid myself, did I try to conceive.
I feel guilty for feeling that way especially to my friends’ kids or even my cousin who did NOT want a baby, she continued to use drugs in her first trimester, hard ones. She considered abortion & adoption, she continues to smoke cigarettes. NO ONE supported her decision to keep her baby…but SHE gets a healthy baby?
I know I sound so rude & judge-y but REALLY! I’m beyond jealous especially because I was the only one who encouraged her to clean up & do right by her baby after she made the decision to keep it. I stood behind her when no one else did because we are both pregnant right now, just a week apart… AND SO with all that we are going to face with our son before & after he is born, me having to relocate will most likely cost me my job & who knows if we will be able to keep our house on only my husband’s income & who knows if my husband’s employer won’t fire him because of all the time he will need off between surgeries & what not & who knows if our son will even live… when it rains it f*cking pours!!!
I will love my child but I am sad he will not be healthy!