I’m 62 with a husband, 2 grown children and a grandmother to 4 I have a car and a mortgage and to the world a typical happy mum and grandmother but none of them know my secret and they never will. The shame of anyone knowing would kill me and tear my family apart. Nobody can ever know that I killed my baby.
Please don’t judge me before you know my story.
I was brought up in a strict religious family. My parents were very loving and I had a happy childhood but our lives revolved around the church. school, mass on Sundays the works I never knew any different all my friends families were the same it was normal right until I met Craig.
I was 14 and had never had a boyfriend before, he was cute and funny and had all this freedom that I had never known. I quickly fell in love. My parents would never have let us date. Craig was 17 had left school and was at college being older he had more experience than me, I’d never even kissed a boy!
We would meet in secret whenever possible and one day we had sex. We had fooled around but never done the deed never even talked about it so we didn’t use contraception foolishly thinking I couldn’t get pregnant the first time right.
Two months later after missing another period we did a test and it came back positive I thought Craig loved me but he never spoke to me again. I was now 15 pregnant and alone. My parents would have gone crazy and I would have been an outcast from my family and friends I didn’t know what to do. I tried ignoring it hoping it would go away that the test was wrong but my slowly swelling belly told me different so I hid my little problem.
I would take sanitary towels and through them away so my mom would think I was getting my period, pass morning sickness off as exam nerves and hide under loose baggy clothes. I spent hours hiding in my room pretending to study but really I was trying to work out what to do. Then one night in december the pains started and my water broke. It hurt so much and I was scared.
I waited until my parents went to bed before sneaking out. I started walking and the pains grew stronger and I found myself at my church. I needed to push so I snuck round the side out of view and gave birth to my beautiful son. I was terrified all of a sudden it was real. I managed to cut the cord and wrapped him in my cardigan but i couldn’t take him home.
So I left him on the steps of the church I thought someone would find him and take him home. I quietly snuck back home and cried all night wanting my baby. The next day I pretended to be ill so I could watch the news of the good Samaritan who found my baby instead I saw the news report of a body being found of a newborn baby.
That night around dinner we prayed for the soul of the baby and my parents dammed the evil mother who murdered her child. I knew then I couldn’t tell them the truth instead I have lived with my secret ever since.
Please don’t judge me too harshly I was a young girl with nowhere to turn besides nobody could judge me more than I do, I am now in my early 60’s and urge any young girl out there who is pregnant and scared to reach out to someone to get help!
Emailed into us under a false name