I wish I could be raped again.
I wish I could go back to the moment I was raped again.
I was 13 years old and lived in a small village. There wasn’t much to do and very few shops, just a wine merchants, village store, co-op, a Chinese and an Indian restaurant.
Most of my friends were well off and they would catch the train at weekends and go to the nearest town to the cinema or McDonald’s.
My father worked very hard to support our family but money was tight.
I decided if I wanted to be like my mates I needed to make my own money not have it handed to me like my friends.
I asked the shops for jobs but at 13 no one offered me anything, my last resort was to ask in the Indian restaurant.
They seemed so friendly and said I could help do some washing up on Saturday’s for a whole £10, I was so excited about it.
I turned up on the Saturday at 10am and had planned to go to the local town in the afternoon for the first time ever, I was beaming with pride.
I walked into the restaurant where I was greeted by an employee called Abaz, he was so chatty and friendly and offered me a Pepsi.
After I had drank my drink he asked me if I had ever had “ziggy ziggy”, I was baffled, what on earth was he talking about?
He told me it was time to get started; he showed me to a store room filled with spices, sacks of potatoes and straw on the floor. He grabbed me and threw me to the floor, he un-popped my adidas trousers and ripped off my top.
He held me down and shouted his friends.
Whilst I was laying naked on the store room floor his friend and the owner of the restaurant Shilim set up a video camera.
Abaz then kissed me hard, really really hard, he laughed at my small breasts and told me I was dirty for not shaving my pussy.
He spat on me in between my legs, he pushed himself inside of me. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t move, I stared at the clock above the door and thought to myself, ‘why doesn’t it hurt the people I’ve seen on tv programs?
Once he had finished 3 more took their turns stealing my innocence and laughing that I had never had ‘ziggy ziggy” before as I was bleeding.
Shilim who had been filming me all this time came along, he bit me on my nipples and my lips, he pulled my hair and told me to tell him that I loved him.
Once they had all had enough my clothes were chucked at me and a damp flannel, I was told to clean myself up as I looked a mess. They then closed the door and left me there.
20 minutes later they opened it and told me I was a dirty whore, an unshaven slut. They were going to tell everyone what a filthy prostitute i was and if people didn’t believe them they would show them my porno.
I was told I had to come back each Saturday or everyone would know, my parents would disown me and my friends would hate me.
As a young girl I was naive and vulnerable. I returned at least 100 times, raped over and over again and sold to their friends.
So yes, I wish I could be raped again for the first time just so I could shout NO, I could fight back, I could have kicked and punched and bite them.
I could of told someone, gone to the police, I should of done more to protect myself.
I am not blaming myself for being raped but I am blaming myself for letting them win, for letting them continue the sexual abuse for so long.
I wish I could go back and shake and slap my teenage self so I could tell her she is beautiful, strong, brave and this doesn’t need to happen.
But I cannot change the past, I allowed it to consume me for so long and now I have to find away to let it go away to move forward.
I have never had justice or the revenge I so wanted but what I do have is pride, love and a kind heart and a strength to carry on.