Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.
What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.
The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?
We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again… get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.
Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?
Hi are you in this aft? x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.
Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.
Are you home?
No I’m at work.
It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.
We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.
The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.
I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.
The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.