Last night, I had a near death experience. No, it didn’t involve a gun (although I’d rather get shot again than go through this).
Until last night, I didn’t understand the term “shit storm” but let me tell ya, after 10 fluid ounces.
Not 5 fluid ounces.
Not 7 fluid ounces.
Not just a swig.
But after 10 FLUID FUCKING OUNCES, I’m a brand new man.
Ya ever wonder what two homeless people fornicating on a pile of burning tires next to a pig farm on a 98 degree day with a 80% humidity level smells like? If so, go to Walgreens, spend 4 bucks, get ya a bottle of this bullshit right here, get ya a baby sitter to watch your kids and lock yourself in the bathroom cause you’re about to star in your very own shit show for the next few hours.
And ya know what? Just when ya think it’s over, when everything stops and you can finally wipe the tears and sweat from your face, that’s when the party starts.
My soul left my body. Yeah. I pooped out my soul, but when I got to heaven, I got sent back because I brought the smell up there with me.
It’s all a blur, but at one point. I was looking down on myself from the sky watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out of my ass like someone jumped on a balloon full of nutella.
And then that’s that. Right? you’re done pooping, so you muster up what strength you have left, shaking and weak, you stand up and flush for the 18th time.
But wait, THERES MORE.
That’s when you start puking. At this point, I was surprised there was anything left in me. Let alone the 20 piece boneless nuclear wings from zaxbys.
You know what nuclear sauce feels like when it’s coming out ya nose, throat and ass at the same time?
I imagine it’s the same feeling as spontaneous combustion.
After 5 straight minutes of puking and 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for two hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.
Magnesium citrate? More like magnesium shit-strate into a coma. Shit ain’t no joke. But in all seriousness. This shit did its job. It cleaned me out so good, I even got a clear conscience. 10/10 stars for completely making me into a new man.
Between the crying and farting and dying and what not, It was one of the worst experiences of my life so far.