The other night, I was cutting up jalapeños while cooking dinner.
My sour patch kids (daughter & son) are always in my shit.
I can never fully accomplish a whole task without them in the way.
Little ankle biters, they are.
So, I’m chopping these peppers up and answering questions left and right like I’m a contestant on a game show.
I’m currently killing this mom shit.
I’m multitasking AF.
I’m pouring chocolate milk, slice another jalapeño, twirl around checking a butt for poop, peek on the chicken in the oven with a smile on my face, run to the living room to clean up a spill, and back to the kitchen to finish the jalapeños.
I’m gliding through the kitchen just basking in my motherliness.
Until I hear a cry for help from the bathroom. Suddenly, Kaison, my 6 year old, who wipes his butt always, forgets how to wipe his butt.
I sprint down the hall to offer hand services for the butt in need.
I get caught in the hall by my daughter who asks me to put her princess play shoes back on. Every mom with a daughter knows the damn shoes. They only fall off every other step because they are made for a child with an almost invisibility foot. I slip the bitches back on for the 100 time while rushing and she’s screaming because I left her pinky toe out and still trying to shove it on. After I tuck that little piggy back inside, she cautiously walks away on the plastic heels of death amongst the wooden floors, to the kitchen looking for a “snack.”
After I complete the butt wiping task, I walk back into the kitchen to the sounds of gagging and coughing.
The gags progress to wails and cries of pain.
I see Micah and Lilah with tears in their eyes sobbing and wiping their tongues. I asked Lilah what was wrong and she said, “hot hot hottttt!!!”
I try to find answers to what in the actual fuck was happening and then Lilah said, “I don’t like those grapes. Those grapes so yucky” as she points to the jalapeños.
😒 I try to sound concerned, but my initial emotion was anger because I’m down one whole jalapeño less than what I started with. Every jalapeño mattered.
After grieving the loss, I give them milk, I give them bread, I pray, I light incense, I bathe them in Oils. I give them whatever the hell else they want and NOTHING is helping.
My kids love spicy food, but these were not your average jalapeños.
These were the Devil’s peppers. And they came with vengeance. These bitches was spicy and they was angry.
The hands that they grabbed the peppers with are now rubbing the tears from their eyes and rubbing the snot around their noses.
Now, their whole face is on fire.
At this point, there’s not many options
other than to just throw both children away and start over. I have two others not infected at all.
I’m running their whole heads under water. I’m trying to flush the Devil’s pepper out of their eyes and nose. Nothing is working.
I’m screaming, “GOOGLE, HOW THE FUCK CAN I SAVE MY CHILDREN’S EYES FROM THE DEVIL’S PEPPER?”
Google is no use because google has no intellectual understanding of curing children from jalapeños at this time. (Words from the mouth of Google herself)
The chicken burned.
More shit spilled.
My jalapeños didn’t get used for a meal, instead they were a torture device to my children.
The babies ended up with wash cloths on their faces on the couch while chugging chocolate milk. Nobody was blinded. We all survived.
Except for me.
Soon after I laid the children down for bed, Jalen, my other 6 year old, walks in my bedroom hysterically crying.
I asked him what the hell he wanted because my hours of operation were clearly over, and then he said, “my butthole is burning.”
Ok…gonna need you to elaborate, son.
Guess who played with a Devil’s pepper while not learning from the magical hell his siblings went through?
Him. That boy. The burning butthole kid.
Why did his butthole burn, you ask?
Because after playing with the Devil’s pepper, using it as a stage prop for his dinosaurs to eat, he decided to just itch his ass. A lot.
Welcome to parenthood, where we are solely surviving on prayers and wine.
That’s some real #Seriousmomshit
Disclaimer: the butt I wiped, was not the butt that burned. I have twins. Thanks for the concern on my intelligence, but, I got this 🤞🏻
DON’T Forget to SHARE with a momma who needs some laughter tonight.