Raped and Tortured I’m Now Left Broken and Empty

Towards the end of August last year, my now ex, raped me.

We had been living together for over a year, I loved and trusted him more than anyone I had been with previously and for the first time in my life, I was considering his requests for the future involving marriage and children. Despite my feelings I ended our relationship, he is an alcoholic and I couldn’t take the lies that stemmed from his addiction any longer.

He moved out, he was dating other girls and I had started to see someone else. The first night i finally allowed the new man in my life to spend the night in my home, my ex got drunk and over a period of hours sent a barrage of abusive messages. He then showed up at our apartment around 5am,stating he was there to comfort me after all the nasty things he had sent, his attitude quickly changed when i told him I had someone over.

I did not want to hurt him, i still loved him deeply, I was horrified that he had returned to our apartment to find someone else there. He stayed and we argued, he told me I should kill myself, amongst other hateful things and I wept and begged him to stop. He waited around until my date left for work, when we were alone he did not hold back any longer.

He enjoyed seeing me cry and begging him to stop being so hateful and I failed to see that his arousal that followed, was from seeing me pleading and hurt. The last thing he said before he proceeded to rape and torture me over the course of several hours, was that he, “was a bad person and was going to enjoy this”.

He hit me till I was dazed, then dragged me by my hair, ripping chunks out and hung me over the edge of our bed, he poured rum down my throat and when I choked or tried to spit it out he hit me again. He continued forcing alcohol upon me and hitting me around my head throughout the attack. He beat, raped, sodomizied and tortured me for hours, until he passed out drunk. I cried the whole time, he kept asking if it hurt, then saying, “it doesn’t matter how you feel, it doesn’t matter what you want”. At one point he grabbed my wrists and said to me, “this isn’t you, you’re a fighter, why aren’t you fighting me?”

I have wanted to kill myself everyday since then, I felt constant horror that he could have done that to me and I felt sick because I still loved him.

On November 30th I was assaulted at work, a glass was smashed in my face, knocking out most of my front teeth and either dislodging or fracturing the rest, my teeth are now wired into my mouth. I have had nothing but time for over a month now and I find myself constantly reliving both the rape and the assault.

I cannot bear that he just gets to walk away and continue on with his life, continue seeking happiness and fulfilment while I am left broken and empty. It weighs me down so much but I don’t know what I can do, I am not strong enough to go to the police and go up against him whilst also dealing with the assault trial. I just want people to see him as he truly is; a sociopathic monster and I am plagued by the thought that if he hurts someone else in the future, it will be my fault. I feel so helpless.