The Cold Hard Truth About Disney Holidays

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What I am about to give y’all is free advice that I should be paid a lot of money for but I’ve decided to educate all future dads, current dads, and grandpas for free. After the last week I feel it’s my duty to help others before they plunge into the Disney mission. Every one will call it the Disney experience but trust me it’s more like a mission.

Let’s start by when your wife and kids bring up going to Disney World the first thing you do is convince them that it has burned down and is no longer in existence. If that doesn’t work you should have time to follow my steps bc they will plan this for along time.

First thing you do is enroll in the navy seal training program. You will learn many skills needed for you to survive your Disney mission, such as being able to keep your cool under extreme pressure. Little to no sleep for long periods of time and being hot, cold,and wet all minutes apart.

You will learn how to not use the bathroom for hours at a time and be stealthy sneaking in and out of lines by not being detected to alert the others around you. You will learn how to be hungry and thirsty with no time to eat or drink for fear of missing your next objective.

U will also be in shape so you can walk in circles for miles and miles each day which may or may not require you to sprint at high speeds for short distances. All the skills at navy seals training will be needed. Do not take this lightly.

Rusty and I did not get pointers before we went through this mission and almost didn’t make it home. Some vocabulary words that u should get comfortable with are fast pass, quick service, snack credit, table service, wait time. Also sharpen up on your map reading skills and be ready to make quick and accurate deviations bc sometimes you will be seconds away from being too late.

Be ready to get up early and go to bed very late. Don’t be fooled this is not a vacation. You will be excited to go home and back to work. Before you head out on your Disney mission get out your stroller and practice folding it up and unfolding it up. If you can’t do it 3 times in under a minute you aren’t ready keep practicing. Also you will have to remember where you park the damn stroller 20 times a day and it will always be in a stupid spot and if u park it in a spot that’s convenient they will go move it to a dumb spot so you will have to search for it.

You will have to find it quick bc you won’t have much time to get to your next ride. You will need to be able to stand for hours and hours and if you get lucky to sit down it will be a hard surface with no padding but don’t worry you will only get to sit for a couple of seconds bc you will have to get somewhere very soon. Don’t expect to sit down and eat and relax either bc you will need to eat fast so you can get to your next event.

Miles adapted and started swallowing his food whole to make up time. Early in the morning is the most important part of the day. Be prepared to get up 3 hours before the rides start and get on the bus. It’s important to be at the front of the start line and haul ass to the most popular rides before the rest of the crowd gets there Be able to run while steering around many others while pushing your stroller while being yelled at to hurry.

All skills you should acquire at seal training. Always be prepared to stop and take a picture but be able to do it fast bc you don’t have much time. If you think your tired slap yourself and push on Also no matter what your wife makes you wear t-shirt wise trust me you will not be the goofiest looking family there.

Trust me you will see some goofy families wearing matching shirts that will make your own look awesome so don’t fret about the shirt thing. That’s the least thing to be concerned about. The last advice I will give you is get a second job months before you deploy such as be a drug dealer bc your gonna need some extra money bc a donut cost 5 bucks and a coke is 4 bucks. If you think your gonna get a beer to knock the edge off so you make it through the day they cost 8 bucks so the salary of a drug dealer is needed to support the mission financially. Follow these pointers and maybe you to will make it through a 7 day Disney mission.

Credit Dustin Mueller