Was I Even Raped? Was It My Fault? Help me

I want to share my story as I’m trying to process what happened to me that night and that it wasn’t right and wasn’t my fault…

I had a friend for 20 years, who I trusted dearly, we’d go to one another with problems etc. He’d been away for a while, so he said he’d come or over with wine. I’m a binge drinker so within 3 hours i had drank 1/2 a bottle of wine and.1/2 a.bottle of rum, maybe more. Once it hit I took myself to bed and phoned my partner, I can’t remember our phone call, but he said we was on the phone over two hours.

 I carried on drinking during this also, so god knows how much I had consumed by this point. I couldn’t open my eyes, I remember trying and everything was double. My cousin was here not drinking and was trying to feed me coffee via a straw, which I threw up all over her (lovely). She said I passed out shortly after this, she tried giving my friend the hint to go home and after nearly an hour of him just sat there she said she was going to bed. He got up then, went and brushed his teeth, switched all my plugs off and lights came in my room and shut the door, telling my cousin to knock on if she needed anything (I was still asleep and didn’t hear a thing)

The next thing I remember is him telling me to come over, he started to kiss me I then go back out again and my next memory is him asking me where I keep my dog collars, the next thing I remember is being dragged back by force and then nothing. I was on my back the whole time. I then wake up to him I think, performing oral sex on me I remember looking down and thinking whats happening, but I was far too drunk to really respond to what was happening. I went back out and the next thing I remember is him having sex with me, then I got this conscious out of nowhere and told him to stop I’m seeing someone, I kind of remember him scrambling off my body and I just passed out again.

I woke up confused with no knickers on but my bra and shirt on still done up. I was feeling guilty thinking I cheated on my partner and partly traumatized. My main concern for some reason at that time was my partner, someone else had sex with me.

It was under a month ago and i’m hauted by these questions

what if I did want it at the time? What if this is me being dramatic?

what if he’s innocent?

what if I led him on?

I don’t know if this is normal. I spend my days trying to get memories back, then I get upset or confused. Can anyone advice me what to do, was I even raped?