1 Literally not a single cup, mug, glass or plate to be found. Because they are all in their bedroom, festering; like the world’s worst branch of John Lewis.
2 All communication is carried out via grunts, shrugs, and monosyllabic exchanges of: “No.” “Fine.” “WHY?”
3 Until they want something from you, when they suddenly wax lyrical about their desperate needs and the relative unfairness of their life compared to everyone else they know like they’re writing the next Shakespearean tragedy.
4 Minimum of three different screen devices on the go at all times.
5 A fridge that is permanently full of empty packets, because god forbid anyone works out how to use the fucking bin.
6 And is systematically emptied between the hours of 11pm and 3am each night.
7 Almost entirely nocturnal lifestyles.
8 And on your head be it if you try and communicate with them before a reasonable hour of the day. Say…..4pm.
9 You have a newfound appreciation of the many and varied ways it is possible to express your emotional turmoil via the slamming of doors.
10 And have provided that many lifts in the last few days, you’re probably outperforming your local Uber driver.
11 Everything you do/wear/think will be met with a sigh/eye roll/proclamation of how utterly tragic you are as an individual.
12 Which won’t stop them from borrowing your favourite possessions, mind. And, if you’re really lucky, losing them, too!
13 Apparently it’s “sick, fam”, and you didn’t realise you were going to need to grasp a completely different command of the English language in order to understand what the fuck they’re banging on about.
14 Hell hath no fury like a teenager wronged by their sibling/BFF/favourite top that they wanted to wear and they now can’t find because their bedroom looks like the inside of a skip and it is of course ALL YOUR FAULT.
15 Speaking of bedrooms…you’ve had genuine debate over at what point you need to consider putting a call into Environmental Health.
16 Where you were once sleep deprived to fuck from sitting up with them through the night when they were tiny babies… you’re now sleep deprived to fuck waiting to collect them from late night parties and ensuring they don’t choke on their own vomit after one too many Malibu and Cokes.
17 Basically, parenting is about not sleeping at all, ever.
18 Teenagers can be unreasonable, emotional, irrational gits.
19 But, when you least expect it, they can also be absolutely bloody lovely, too ❤️
20 And the entirety of living with a teenager is basically one big massive dose of karma for your own teenage years 👍
