30 THINGS THE BASTARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT HOME EDUCATING YOUR CHILDREN DURING LOCKDOWN
30 THINGS THE BASTARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT HOME EDUCATING YOUR CHILDREN DURING LOCKDOWN
1 For some people, this is the moment they have been waiting for all their lives. These people cannot wait to get hands on with their children’s education, and you know what, all power to them.
2 Typically, these people fall exactly into the centre of a Venn diagram made up of creativity; not currently working; patience of a fucking saint; kids have at least brief moments of not being utter dicks.
3 For the rest of us…falling on the very outskirts of the aforementioned Venn diagram…if not off the page altogether…this is likely the antithesis of the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
4 Teachers are fucking heroes. We always knew this, but after lockdown, we will frankly be chaining ourselves to railings outside of Downing Street demanding they get knighthoods, pay rises, and a £50k bonus for every single lesson they don’t throw their hands up in the air and run out of the classroom screaming.
5 Kids are dicks.
6 I mean; not all of the time, and not necessarily every kid…
7 …but most children, most of the time – particularly when you are attempting to home educate them – have something of a propensity to be a bit of a dick.
8 You will start off your home education journey with such hopes! Such dreams! Such plans for your shared learning experiences together!
9 All of which will be shattered, broken, and crushed into tiny pieces, roughly thirty seconds after you sit down with your child(ren) and ask them to undertake their first home learning task.
10 I mean, who knew that the very act of explaining to someone how to do something was so fucking complicated?
11 Very quickly, you will find yourself mastering the key home education mantra:
12 “ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME?”
13 If you are very lucky, your children’s teachers will have sent your children work to do at home.
14 The methodologies for completion which will immediately have you doubting everything you ever thought you knew about maths, grammar and the English language.
15 And, for a least a brief period, it will be your child educating you.
16 Thank fuck for screen time! While home educating your children, they will be enjoying more screen time than they have ever enjoyed in their lives, because it turns out that pretty much everything they need to learn is now delivered via a screen. The irony not being lost on any of you.
17 Screen time also gives you a brief opportunity to run out of the room and hide in the airing cupboard screaming silently into a bottle of Hendricks. #makingmemories
18 Many parents are also trying to carry out a full time job whilst simultaneously home educating their children.
19 This is likely to be roughly as effective on both sides as if you were trying to mow your lawn whilst simultaneously piloting a Boeing 747.
20 And who doesn’t love the experience of attempting to chair a conference call whilst also providing a rough précis of A Midsummer Night’s Dream?
21 By Day 2, your carefully drawn up timetables will be shredded into pieces.
22 Your gin supply will be in serious jeopardy.
23 And if you see FUCKING Dave posting any more FUCKING photos on social media of his children building a to-fucking-scale model of a Motte and Bailey castle in their back garden made out of organic vegetables lined up in rainbow formation to celebrate our NHS…
24 …you are not going to be held accountable for your actions, given the response from your child when you asked them to write their name at the top of their homework sheet was to scream, hurl their pencil case on the floor and tell you that they hated you and that you have ruined your life.
25 Your kids won’t even look at an organic vegetable, let alone line them up in sodding rainbow formation.
26 And you will feel like you are failing.
27 But this is not about recreating full time school. You are not a teacher.
28 (And don’t you fucking know it.)
29 This is about trying our best. Doing what we can. Not totally fucking losing our shit.
30 And longing with every fibre of our beings for that halcyon moment…when the school gates open again…and we can send our offspring through the doors… and run out into the playground… shouting FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!
Credit https://www.facebook.com/iknowineedtostoptalkingblog/
