This is VERY personal, so please don’t judge me for this or leave negative comments. My 2nd son was born with down syndrome, 3 tiny holes in his heart and IA.
We were expecting a healthy, normal baby. I was heartbroken. The second I saw him, I just *knew* something was wrong. But I couldn’t place it. I thought it was impossible for me to have a child with down syndrome, as I thought it was genetic. No ultrasounds detected anything wrong. 😞 T
he cord was wrapped around his neck twice at birth so he had to be put on 24/7 oxygen and a pulse oximeter. We stayed in the NICU with him for a month before he was released to go home. Once we were home, I was still so devastated. I had 2 under the age of 2. I was also by myself for 12+ hours a day with a fragile newborn (who was eating every 4 hours and connected to tons of wires) and a just turned 1 year old.
I had a mental breakdown. I couldn’t handle it. I felt no love for my 2nd son. I didn’t feel hate, but betrayal (by God) and hurt.
I couldn’t find it in myself to love this little baby boy, no matter how much I tried. It made me feel like a horrible mother. 😭 Why couldn’t I love this precious gift from God!? Who had already smiled at me when he was only 2 weeks! I hated myself.
My 2nd son ended up being taken out of my care. He now lives with a relative of his. He is a little over a year old. I see him when I’m able, I’ve seen him 4 times since he was taken out of my care. He lives about 4/5 hours away. I wish I could say my feelings about him have changed. I wish I could say I want to have him with me and his brother (my 1st son). I’ve struggled with mental illness since I was a child. I am on medication and seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist. Has anyone else struggled with anything remotely like this? I just want to know that I’m not alone. I never once felt this was with my first son. My love for him was instant. He looked just like me when I was a baby. I still love him more than anything in the world. Please don’t think I’m a terrible person. 😭🥺