Applicable Warnings For When You Come To My House

Applicable warnings for when you come to our home:

1. I can’t guarantee you won’t step on a toy.

2. Also, can’t guarantee you won’t step on something sticky.

3. Basically, watch your step. The floor is lava. Use the pillows provided for safe transition from room to room.

4. If you’re easily offended by potty humor, don’t even bother coming.

“Hey visitor, guess what?…. FART!” (that’s your cue to laugh, the full belly kind).

5. I tried to whip up something to serve you. It didn’t work out. Compliment me on the precise way I cut my grapes in half. I care about your safety, too.

6. It might smell ‘off’ in here—it might not. Either way, I’m immune to it and have no clue. Leave the judgement at the door. Some people wear diapers here.

7. You told me not to clean up for you. I know it looks like I didn’t—but I totally did. Thank me for it.

8. Welcome to the Jungle might start playing when you walk in. I’m not sure why, it just happens.

9. We have a dog. He’s been emotionally neglected and will hump you for attention.

10. I don’t answer to the doorbell, but scream “coffee” and I’ll come running.

11. Someone won’t be wearing pants, and it’s not because I didn’t try.

12. I like visitors, especially when they ignore the chaos in our jungle and make me feel like I’m doing an a-okay job. Come back, okay?

*via Grown Up Glamour by Anneliese Lawton