Can I have a PP on the private page please? I’m sorry this post is so long. But…
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Can I have a PP on the private page please?
I’m sorry this post is so long. But I write about daily struggles mum’s go through and personal experiences that seem to happen to many other mums who darent speak up. It’s unfiltered and just a bit of fun that I do over Facebook, sometimes it gives everyone a giggle and sometimes it’s genuine and heart felt. But this is about a serious issue in my life that I’ve been fighting for a year now. I just want it posting somewhere that isn’t my personal page as not many people know about it being me. I want to help other mums. If you actually read all of this, thank you so much. Videos are what I normally do, but with no one knowing, I don’t want my head in it lol.
I’ve been fighting anorexia for some months now. But the last few months have been the worst.
It all started from a serious event that happened to me last year, I thought i was fine for atleast 3/4 months after. It wasn’t until I’d gone to the doctors for a regular check up that I broke down, after a lengthy talk and some check ups, we’d got down to the fact I’d dropped over 3 stone. I’d gone down into wearing teenage size clothes. It then dawned on me, how id been lying to my family and friends, how my mood had changed, how depressed I was and how much i was actually struggling. How id punished my body because of my poor mental state.
Months went by, it got worse. I started eating infront of family so they thought I was okay but going to the toilet afterwards and throwing up, or how id lie and say id been signed off by the specialists because jd put on weight and showed improvement and it went down to monthly check ups instead. How my children suffered from it, bevause my mood was low, i was poorly, I didn’t even have the energy to lift my children up.
I felt no one understood me, that they had an instant ignorance to the subject. “Just eat. It’s not hard” they used to say. But little did they know, food to me was poison. Food to me would kill me, would make me fat, would make me unloveable. Food was the enemy and I wasn’t ready to give into it. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, I was in so much pain, I was hurting everywhere, I was so weak. My face was gaunt, I was so pale, I’d bruise if I itched myself, My head hurt, I had the shakes daily, I had constant voices in my head saying I was too fat, No one could love someone like me, everyone thinks I’m disgusting. That the gap inbetween my thighs needed to get bigger.
It took months and months of riding through the process of being a single mum to 3 under 5, to struggling through my divorce and courts, to just getting through day by day, struggling to find a reason to carry on, because even my babies weren’t enough – I thought they’d be better off without me. But I did it, I finally got myself up to 8 stone. Then I thought i was fine, I thought I was better and i didn’t need any help. So I took myself off all my tablets, discharged myself from everyone’s care and refused to go to appts.
It was only a month ago, I kind of realised I’m not over this shit. I’m not over this demon of a self destructive illness. That, was the realisation of this illness. Of how Id so poorly treated myself and my body. How id starved my organs and body of what it needs to survive off.
I’m not over this, I’m far from being over it. I’m in the recovery stages, which is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Some days, I’m on top of the world and I know that food is my friend, food is what I need. Others I’m disgusted in myself that I’ve eaten, that I’ve “put on weight”, that I haven’t punished myself enough, so I won’t eat for the next 5/6 days. Some days I struggle getting out of bed and I spend all day crying.
I wear baggy hoodies most days that are way too big for me, so people can’t pick it up that I’ve lost yet again, more weight.
But this, Is quite possibly the worst case of suicide I know of. It’s torture, it’s something you can’t get out of alone and it’s a lengthy, painful process. But before you know it, it’s too late and damage has already been done.
Practice what you preach I know, but if you’re going through the same – food is not your enemy. Food is quite possibly your best friend. When you’re starving your body of the nutrients it needs, you’re starving your mind if positive, constant flowing energy. Which affects your mood, which then makes eating again harder each passing hour. No one is against you, they’re just trying to help you before you dwindle away into nothing. You can do this. Your worst days in recovery aren’t anywhere near as bad as the days in relapse.
You can do this, you have to do this. Please speak out and get help. You’re gorgeous, you don’t need to be a size 4 to be happy. Happy is in your mind, being thin won’t change your minds view. When you starve yourself, your demons are in control, they are winning, you are feeding them.
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