Can I have a private post please? I’m nervous writing this. Why? I don’t know….

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Can I have a private post please?

I’m nervous writing this. Why? I don’t know. I have always ‘had it together’ & feel I have made the right choices in life….but I feel like I’m struggling.
I am 42 and have 4 children ages 7,9,11,13 & they are my world. I’m happily married & I am a SAHM. My husband owns his own business & we do ok finances wise.
Lately though I have been feeling pretty tired & down. I’m not sure if I’m just sad or if I’m actually abit depressed. My family have all moved a million miles away to another country & my twin-sister has moved an hour away with a new partner my husband doesn’t like at all. We catch up on limited occasions as it’s a 2hr round trip but it’s only ever so the 6 cousins see each other. I know alot of people but don’t have alot of REAL friends. We moved to a new country 5 years ago & I’ve found it hard to feel a real sense of belonging.
I feel I have ‘given-up’ myself. I’d love to go out and work & earn myself abit of extra money but my husband works ALOT & has no flexibility. The kids HATE the thought of after-school care & school holiday care for the 4 of them would be most of my wages. I could get a crappy little part-time job during school hours but I find I already fill those hours up, getting everything organised for everyone as it is. Today I’ve cooked, cleaned, shopped, packed bags for camp, organised costumes for Halloween during the school hours etc, etc. Sometimes I just feel like I’m a slave for my family that doesn’t get paid! Everyday is Groundhog Day….I get up early to get the kids to school, get lunchboxes packed etc & by the time we’ve done the night routine, got activities/dinner/dishes/uniforms/homework done, I’m exhausted! I know if I worked as well, I would be just taking on more & more & I don’t know my own self-care/well-being would survive. I think we’d up spending more on childcare, takeaways, the house would go into disarray, the kids would get behind with homework etc. I know plenty of kids who have two working parents but as I’m unqualified (after spending 13 years home raising children) I’m not so sure a little part-time job would be worth the family sacrifice.
We can’t afford the extra money for me to join a gym or attend an education course or anything like that. I would REALLY like to go to uni and finish my teaching degree but I’m not a citizen of the country I’m in & I don’t qualify for student loans or the likes. I really don’t have the energy for volunteering/being a teacher-aide or anything like that, infact I’m finding it hard to find the energy for anything at all! I’m not interested in going out (just more money & finding babysitters is hard). I haven’t got $s to spend on clothes/makeup (but I get by day to day), I can’t be bothered going swimming (but I walk the dog daily), I just don’t seem to have purpose beyond the immediate needs of my family. I find it difficult to get excited about holidays/Christmas & the weekend and the likes because it feels to me just like a lot of extra work & money (packing, organising, tidying-up, food-prep for 3 coeliac children etc). Arrggh. I just need to find some joy!

I’m wondering if I AM depressed & maybe I need medication or something? Maybe I should just be grateful for my lot? A loving husband, beautiful kids, a decent home & food on the table? I’ve thought about getting a hobby but nothing, apart from reading, really appeals.
I have found I now spend far too much time on Facebook. I think I’m looking for social-connect but something is holding me back from going out and getting it? Am I depressed? I’m definitely not lazy, I’m intelligent & capable but definitely lacking motivation & purpose ATM. Any ideas? TIA
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