Dear Primary Schools Listen Up
For parents of primary school children:
Dear School.
Firstly, is there any chance that you could send out a list of the costumes, coloured t-shirts & random other stuff requests in September when we actually have our shit together? You know, that hallowed time when we can all be perfect parents? When we can put together a nutritionally balanced, home-made packed lunch, rather than it being sponsored by Greggs.
When we arrive at the school gates before they open with pristine children, rather than participating in a family run before shoving toothpaste smeared kids through the partially closed gates before exclaiming loudly “Shit! I forgot the swimming kit AGAIN!” When we’re able to receive, comprehend and action the letters sent home rather than relying on still functioning parents posting in Facebook groups stuff like “Don’t forget to send in your root vegetables for carving tomorrow!”
This period lasts approximately 2 weeks from the start of the year in my house but can apparently vary from household to household. By July most of us are hanging onto sanity by a thread with the Summer Holidays glimmering in the distance like a mirage in the desert. By the Facebook memes depicting levels of alcohol consumption of teachers at the beginning and end of term, which appear around this time of year it seems that most of the staff could well be in the same boat too!
As much as your requests always finish with the phrase “Please don’t go to any expense, just use what you have at home.” which is lovely, but I seriously don’t have costumes from every historical era within the past 3000 years, or depicting characters from the 100 bestselling children’s books of all time, just hanging about at home! And the women in my family have not been able to “put together” something wearable since 1986!
I have had to join Amazon Prime purely for the purpose of clothing my child appropriately at these times as apparently an 8 year old in China is more capable at fulfilling your requests than me. (BTW can you check your computers for spyware as the prices of said items seem to triple the minute you print the letter.) The only request that doesn’t send me into a blind panic is an impromptu pyjama day – we have lots of those at home! In fact, if you could make July “Pyjama Month” that would be amazing and totally solve the aforementioned lateness issue!
Anyhow, I digress. We don’t appear to own any yellow t-shirts. My child neglected to tell me until 6pm on Sunday that said t-shirt needed to be in school by Monday and I’m on the 5.20 to London Monday morning. Damn you Sunday trading laws! There isn’t any yellow fabric in the house apart from a pair of Thomas the Tank Engine underpants which, I think, even Kirsty Allsopp would struggle to transform into a top. We do however have a white t-shirt which I wonder, could you get the school kitchen to pop it in some curry sauce. My child has already done some patch testing and it is surprisingly colourfast!
Also FYI a 10 year old is not a reliable form of communication. I appreciate this is quite surprising as you seem to be able to make them remember how to do long multiplication and the finer points of the structure of the English language but their heads are so full of this stuff that the message that we need to send in Mexican food on Tuesday does not get relayed! The same thing happens at home, I mean they have memorised the inventory of the treat cupboard down to the last Smartie but the whereabouts of their shoes from last night remains a mystery until we’ve moved every piece of furniture in the house. (It’s summer – do they really need shoes anyway?)
I would really appreciate consideration of any of my points.
Yours sincerely
Stressed Mom
