My name is Clare and I’m 23. I have the most amazing 3.5 year old daughter, who I am starting to think was my absolutely miracle child and I will never have more.I am about to be married to a fantastic man named Stuart, who has two lovely children of his own.
When Ella was around 7 months old, I’d been dating my current partner, who is not her biological father, for about a year. Considering we’d been through A Lot in the first year of our relationship, he was standing by me and going nowhere, and he absolutely adored my daughter like she was his own, and I love his children so much too, so we decided we wanted a baby of our own. This was in 2014.
After 2.5 years of trying, and getting nowhere even after tests due to that came back clear things just weren’t going our way. But then in September 2016 I decided to do a test, which came back positive. I think i did another 4/5 tests that day and all were clearly very positive, and for week afterwards they got stronger and stronger. I contacted my doctor, and due to irregular periods I was sent for an early scan. The day before the scan I began bleeding, brown blood, which when contacting EPU (early pregnancy unit) they told me unless it was red, don’t panic. At the scan they couldn’t see anything, so assumed it was probably just early so not to worry. Still weren’t concerned as the bleeding wasn’t red blood, only brown and my urine test came back positive. They took some of my blood, and later that day called me to tell me my bHCG levels were where they should be for early pregnancy, 48 hours later I went back for more blood tests, and later that day they called to say congratulations my levels had more than quadrupled so rest but enjoy my pregnancy and they booked in to see me in a week for another scan.
This is the day my entire life changed. My second scan was at 10.30am, obviously assuming all would be okay we had planned to go and see friends afterwards to share the good news. I actually had an interview beforehand, at the hospital as a HCA on the DAU (I didnt get it, i think the fact i was so nervous for my scan affected me).. But anyway, went from the interview to my scan.
My OH and daughter came with me, met me outside after my interview. During the scan, the sonographer was quiet didn’t say much. Again asked the usual, are you in any pain? No, I wasn’t. Should I be? She told me to get dressed we’d talk about what she’d seen, I said “It’s cool I know what’s coming” As she hadn’t showed me anything on the screen, and you could quite literally feel the awkward tension in the room. I knew I’d either miscarried or there was no baby.. I Never expected the news I actually got. The baby was growing in the wrong place, in my left fallopian tube. It was bleeding quite heavily and they needed to remove it. Now. I was having an Ectopic pregnancy.
Within 45 minutes, I was admitted, signing forms, in a hospital gown on the ward being prepped for emergency surgery.
I was crying, my daughter was crying and my OH looked totally broken, but needed to stay strong for our sake. How he did it i don’t know, but he was my rock that day. I’d totally have lost my mind there and then if he hadn’t have looked me in the eye, held my hands and told me we were going to be okay. I remember the bed being wheeled down towards the lifts, and watching them both getting further and further away, wondering if this would be the last time I ever saw the two of them. I cried the whole way down to theatre.
It was the scariest experience of my life, waiting down in the surgical unit for “my turn”, everything was so white and sterile. I wasn’t even allowed to walk on the floor to go to the toilet because I had no shoes on, I had to be taken in a wheelchair into the toilet, and back out. The room they put me to sleep in was even scarier, it seemed so small and there were at least 5 or 6 people in there, asking me questions and prepping stuff. I remember one of them putting a mask over my face, and something into the cannula in my arm, and that was me out.
The surgery took around 3 hours, I was then in recovery for around 2 hours because they struggled to wake me up from the anesthetic and wanted to keep an eye on me for an while. I went down to surgery at around 11.30am pregnant, I came back at around 5pm no longer pregnant and totally broken.
Now I was in pain, a lot of it. My OH left not long after I got back because he had Ella and neither of us wanted her to see me the way i was. I was totally out of it, and in realising where I was I was inconsolable, I just couldn’t stop crying.
I was on and off awake crying all night and in so much pain they were giving me morphine through a drip. No one would tell me what had happened to me because I wasn’t able to understand right away, the medication I was on was too strong and I’d never have remembered what i was told, so they waited till the next morning when my OH came back. I just remember lying in the bed and lifting my gown up, seeing three bandage patches and freaking out thinking maybe they’d taken everything away, and when I asked the nurses didn’t know and just told me to rest until tomorrow.
The next day, they explained to us that they had removed my fallopian tube completely. It was bleeding out at a fast rate and my womb had already began filling with blood, it was literally a few hours from bursting and potentially killing me. The reason the sonographer asked if i was in any pain, was because I should have been in a Lot of it. The baby(i will always call him my baby no matter what anyone says) growing in my tube was around 6 weeks old. I had 3 holes in my stomach and i was in a Lot of pain. All of my insides were swollen, and my bladder didn’t work properly for a while so I had a catheter in for a few days. I was in hospital for 3 days and signed off work for a month, but took more as I just couldn’t face people. I could barely stand for a week, I wasn’t able to care for my daughter for around 2 weeks alone. It was very hard. Luckily my OHs work were very understanding and he had two weeks off to help me.
Physically, I recovered within around 5 weeks, I still had to take it easy but I was getting there. Mentally, my head was absolutely battered. We had tried so hard for this, it was all i wanted. What i Needed. It felt like a cruel joke. I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t know how to start again from this. It might have only been a reality for 3 weeks, but for those 3 weeks I was so happy and our future was planned. Slowly I started getting there.
Fast forward to April this year, I missed my period. I had a Strong feeling in my stomach something was different. Took and test and it was positive. We finally did it?! Called my doctor, who because of my ectopic pregnancy referred me for an early scan the next week, at what would be 5 weeks pregnant.
At the scan, this time there was a sac there, but there was also blood around and inside it, so I was told to prepare for the worst. Took my blood, asked me to go back 48 hours later for more. Low and behold, I started bleeding the next day. Blood results came back, my bHCG levels had dropped. I was losing this baby too.
April 27th would have been my due date for the ectopic baby. That was a very hard day for me, but due to a few close friends having their babies around these days too, I was able to keep myself occupied. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. Wondering why I wasn’t sat there with my newborn too.
Right now, my head is fried. I suffer daily with panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I can’t think straight. I feel terrible. I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t even know how to begin feeling normal again. I’m on tablets that, quite honestly, don’t help.
I genuinely feel like I’m never going to be able to have another baby. It’s never going to happen. Everytime i get a shred of happiness it’s going to get ripped away.
My doctor wants me to get counselling but I struggle to open up. I can talk about it, but I can’t openly discuss how I feel. Not really. There are no words to begin explaining.
I live for my daughter now, she has always been my everything and always will be. Everyday I live and breathe for her. I could never imagine my world without her. She often talks about the baby in mummy’s tummy, and talks about her baby brother. She may never have fully understood what happened but she felt his presence, and still does I genuinely believe, feel the newborn baby that he should be today, around her.
One day, I hope our family will be complete, but for now, I live for her.
But I know talking helps, and I’d love to be able to help others. So I want to put it out there that I am Always willing to help anyone else. Always willing to answer any messages with questions or advice about anything. Any time, I will always be available
Clare Fisher