hi can I have a private post please? **very sensitive** sorry about the length…

[ad_1]
hi can I have a private post please?

**very sensitive**
sorry about the length

I am looking for some advice please. I am 25 with 3 beautiful children but I just cant seem to enjoy life. when I was 12 I was sexually assaulted more than once by my ex best friends father it first started on her birthday party when I was invited to stay over. every time I was asked to stay by either himself or his wife I tried to make excuses but they would take me home and get permission of my mum for me to stay. anyway the sexual abuse go worse every time to the point he put a porn dvd on in the back ground why doing sexual things to me and that night he took my vaginity he rapped me at the age of 12!!! I never stayed there again!! every time I stayed rather then going to sleep top and tail with my best friend they put me in there sons bed on my own! I never went to bed with everyone else I was always left down stairs with him he would perform what ever he wanted on me (I always froze I was terrified didnt know what to do so I closed my eyes pretended to be asleep and just wished the whole thing would stop) he would then carry me up to his sons room were he would continue to abuse my body. sometime he would carry out some of these sexual assults while his family (wife and children) were sat on the other couch but he covered it well. anyway I did not tell anyone I kept this secret in for 12 years I was disgusted in myself, ashamed of myself and blamed myself (still do) I should of been stronger! anyway I finally told people last year as my mental health deteriated I suffer from depression and anxiety he has truely ruined my life, I was in and out of hospital trying to take my life, was always drunk, and my children ended up on child protection with social services (they are no longer under this). I went to the police and there is nothing they can do because of lack of evidence even though they knew I was telling the truth as some of his storys didnt add up during interview, and his family also said they will stand by him no matter what. apparently his daughter made an aligation about him when she was younger but went back on that when this came out. anyway I dont know how to live my life,, I stay in all the time,, most days in bed, I drink to much and this isnt fair to my children but it seems its the only way I can get through my life. I have to still see this fella on a daily basis in my home town, I see him pushing his daughters baby girl around in a pram and playing with her and it makes me feel guilty, sick and angry. I dont know what to do anymore I now have a 8 month old little girl who im terrified of letting get older I dont want her out of my sight knowing hes still walking the streets. im terrified for her I hardly go out the door, I cant sit in groups, I have no self confidence, im tired of fighting a loosing battle. I would just like a bit of advice how I can possibly move on from this and let my princess grown and shine without wrapping her up in cotton wool and having a panick attack when she’s not in my sight. the hardest thing is my town is unaware of this so they dont know what hes done, what hes capable of doing, or anything and I feel so guilty because of all them children that could be his next victim and have there life ruined like me or even the other girls he may of done this to. im at my wits end I cant live like this anymore I dont even want to be alive but I am for my children and partner and family. but truth is im not living im just existing when my mental health was bad I lost everything that I havnt got the strengh atm to build back up. its not fair on my children as I hardly take them out there always stuck in because im so scared. please anyone any advice on fun activities I can do at home?? my boys are 5 and 4. I feel like the worst mum in the world. life is so cruel.
[ad_2]

Source