I Can’t Have Been Raped As He Was My Boyfriend

Last September, I was raped by my (then) boyfriend. He booked a hotel for the night near me (he lived 2hrs drive away) so we could spend some time together. I’ve got some health conditions and chronic fatigue so I’m always in quite a bit of pain. He wanted to try different styles etc but I didn’t and he got a bit annoyed.

He said if we weren’t going to have sex, I could perform oral sex on him. I said no because I don’t like it but he wouldn’t listen and he deliberately tried to sit on my face and force me to do it until I pushed him off and he called me a b***h. I thought it was weird at first but then he started laughing and said it was fine and that he was going in the shower.

When he came out, he seemed in a mood and asked for sex and I said I felt too tired but he said I owed him because he paid for the hotel and we hadn’t had sex that night yet. I felt uncomfortable but still said no. He was annoyed and said he was going to sleep. I knew I would be up all night over thinking everything so I took some sleeping pills (they were prescribed) and went to sleep.

I often wake up with sharp chest pain and pressure so when I woke at 2am with this pressure on me, it didn’t startle me too much. It wasn’t until I was becoming more aware that my (then) boyfriend was on top of me and was forcing himself inside me. I said no but he told me I had already said yes and couldn’t change my mind and I owed him anyway. (Sometimes I sleep talk so don’t know if I said yes when I was asleep).

I tried fighting him off but I couldn’t and I tried shouting out but he kept on kissing me over and over and I was struggling to breathe. In the end, I gave up and waited for it to be over. When it finished, I got changed out of my pyjamas (he fell back asleep) and I went to the garage over the road from the hotel for some air and a drink. I didn’t have enough money on me for a taxi, my mum thought I was with friends and she doesn’t drive and wouldn’t have been able to afford a taxi for me anyway.

I went back to the room and stayed awake all night, I sat in the chair. The next morning, he had to drive straight back home (he is in the RAF and was on duty that afternoon). I decided to let him sleep as long as possible so he would have to rush and not have time to talk. I pretended I didn’t feel well and didn’t really say much. He dropped me off at a chemist, which I thought was weird, but he said he didn’t use a condom and I needed to take the morning after pill.

I got out of his car and we haven’t spoke again since. I got the pill, went to the sexual health clinic, where they done a full STD panel and reported everything. I was started on prophylaxic Hepatitis B injections, at first I wasn’t sure if I was raped, I was naive and thought that if you are in a relationship it isn’t rape, but after speaking to my mum she made me see clearly .

Luckily everything was all clear. I had regular counselling sessions, was diagnosed with PTSD and prescribed more sleeping tablets and a short course of diazepam. 2 weeks ago, I finished counselling and have managed to put most of the incident behind me, I even found the courage to report him and get him convicted.

Even if you are in a relationship No still means No and Rape is Rape, if you do not consent get out and report it, you are not alone and you WILL be believed.