How do you manage when you don’t want your child?

How do you manage when you don’t want your child? How do you carry on for the sake of social expectation when in reality you don’t want him.

It started with a moment of a toddler

Screaming, kicking punching all to get away from me

To be with someone else

Someone who isn’t his mother

As soon as he was away from me he was fine
“He hates me”

I asked my mum to keep him

“I won’t make him be unhappy just by being with me” he deserves every happiness in the world and more. But I can’t provide that for him
How do you get over the feeling of overwhelming guilt that comes from saying such a horrible thing
How can you ever NOT want your own child?
Only time will tell