I Just Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me
I had a friend reach out to me this morning, she had a baby 2 weeks ago, was in tears, and didn’t know what to do.
“Nikki, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me…”
And I remember feeling JUST like that. There was something wrong with me. Society paints this beautiful picture of bringing a baby home and everything being sweet and loving.
Except that’s not reality.
You get home with this little life that is COMPLETELY dependent on you.
You come home with this body that is so foreign you’re not entirely sure it’s yours. A stomach that still looks 5 months pregnant, breasts that may or may not be leaking, stitches in places you never thought possible, and cramps like you can’t believe.
You come home having your body literally ripped apart to give life. With the hormones progesterone and estrogen plummeting causing changes in your brain chemistry.
You come home already exhausted and then have to be awake every two hours. Yet somehow you have to recover from birth, be a mom to your other children, clean the house, and somewhere love your partner. All while just wanting to sleep for a year.
You come home and are somehow expected to know what to do, how to do it, and love every second of it.
At my 6 week check up they handed me a piece of paper that asked whether I was a harm to myself or my baby. With neat little check boxes. I wasn’t in danger of harming myself or my child so obviously I was okay.
Except I wasn’t.
It asked whether I felt distant from my child, having trouble connecting with her.
I didn’t.
The thing was, I felt distant from everyone BUT her. I felt like we were on a little raft together floating in the middle of the ocean surrounded by thundering waves. I felt inadequate. Like I was gonna fuck it all up in the next minute. I felt unappreciated. Like this was just my life now. I was just a dairy cow, here for my child’s nourishment and that’s all I was. I felt overwhelmed with her need for me, and only me. No one else made her happy and I found some way to make it a bad thing and make it my fault. I felt like anyone would be better for my family. Like they would be better off without me.
I got all sorts of dark and twisty and overwhelmed in my head.
This is Post Partum Depression. And over 85% of women do not report these feelings because society has somehow convinced us that there is something wrong with us if we don’t love every second of motherhood. These are feelings that are NATURAL after giving birth. And the best part is most cases get better just by talking about it. Just talking. Call a friend. Call your mom. Tell your partner. TELL YOUR DOCTOR. Because you do NOT deserve to feel this way. You are NOT a bad mother for having these feelings. You are NOT broken.
You’re a Mama. And damn it you created LIFE in that body.
