Let’s Talk About This Photo For A Second

Let’s talk about this photo for a second.. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one.

So.. Everyone gets super excited to post photos of positive pregnancy tests. It’s so exciting and everyone is so happy for you! But think about it, what happens when you’re on the opposite side of that? You think “maybe this is actually a possibility this time?” But you don’t want to get your hopes up so you talk yourself out of it, “No.. the odds are against us.

It’s just another false alarm.” But then you wake up one morning and say screw it, you’re going to find out what’s happening. So you take a test. And lo and behold, just like the hundreds before this one, it tells you that you’re not pregnant. What now? You go on about your day like nothing happened. Your body is just rebelling against you again.

There is no need to tell anyone or do anything because nothing has changed. Every once in a while there are the ones when you have accidentally convinced yourself that it’s really happening and you take a test and boom, one line. Those are the ones that hurt the most.

You’ve done everything you’re supposed to do. You thought that this really honestly could truly be it. And you wind up sitting in the bathroom floor crying praying that your husband can’t hear you. Wondering what you did so wrong that you can’t have the one chance to have what you want so desperately, what your body is SUPPOSED TO be able to do. When you try to confide in someone else how you’re feeling, they give the same remarks as everyone else, “It’ll happen in your time” and “Give it to God, and He will bless you” and “God has a plan” and my personal favorite, “Have you thought about adoption??”

Sometimes people just need to talk, they don’t want answers or advice or even people trying to level with them. They just need to let out how they are feeling in that particular moment. Sometimes they need to be a little selfish, self-preserving. Sometimes they just don’t want to hear the BS cliché auto-responses from other people. They just want someone to hug them and say that they understand where you’re coming from and it sucks and it’s hard then leave it at that.

Holidays are a special kind of hell for people like me. They get with family and friends that they don’t see on a regular basis and then all of the questions start. All of the “when are yall going to have a baby?” “Did you know that so-and-so is pregnant?? Aren’t you so happy for them?” You have to figure out how to be a good sport about the whole thing. You have to find ways to joke about it, or even just let it go in general.

You can’t bite of everyone’s head when they ask you about something, but then again, why can’t people just not ask about such personal stuff? Especially if you never see them? How is it any of their business? Letting go is the hardest part. Everyone has good days and bad days. You can’t expect them all to be good. There are things that are silent triggers that just happen, most of the time, without warning. And you just have to deal with it. It’s not fun. It’s not exciting. This is the other side of pregnancy. This is infertility. This is PCOS.

 

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