Marriage After Having Children

When you get married, you and your spouse decide when to start trying to have children. Some start right away. Others want to enjoy their first year as honeymooners. There is no right or wrong. We heard from a lot of our elders one thing though: Build your marital foundation before kids. As the mother to a toddler, I now completely understand why they said this to us.

Marriage is work even if you don’t have kids. Add kids to the mix and now you have changed the recipe for your marriage. You have to work at finding time to connect. You have to work to pencil in a date night on the calendar. (Where are all the people who offered to babysit when he was an infant?) You have to work to hold your tongue when you want to say something that you know will start an argument, but your child is in the room. You have to work to find time to connect intimately. Marriage is constant work.

In the darkest hours you want to turn on your spouse. Why isn’t he helping? I worked all day too, why is he so tired? Staying at home with kids all day is draining, why is he complaining, at least he left the house today? We begin to resent our spouses when we are in a stressful season of life. He is lazy. He doesn’t get it, does he have common sense? He could be better at x, y or z. He doesn’t show affection anymore. He doesn’t act like he wants to be a father/husband anymore.

Here’s the hard part. Remember the foundation you laid in the beginning of your marriage, it’s time to go back to the basics. You have to communicate. Your husband needs to know how you feel. Sit down after the kids are in bed and tell him exactly what you’re feeling in a calm manner. Use “I feel” statements. It sounds silly, but it will prevent it from turning into an argument. You owe it to yourselves and your marriage to have the long-problem solving conversation so your marriage can stay the course.

You’re in the toddler trenches. This season is tough. No one knows how to correctly tame a toddler. Some people are just blessed with toddlers who didn’t act out, the rest of us are trying everything under the sun to get through the sour patch years.

Momma, it’s okay to feel like your marriage is in trouble. Have the conversation so you can reassure your spouse that you love him, but some days he drives you bananas. I’m sure the feeling is mutual! Get back on the same page and hold each other accountable for being lazy, tired, lacking common sense at times or constantly complaining.

Communicate!