I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of my rape for 2 months. It has been excruciating.
I’ve been a dancer for a little over a year. I work in upscale clubs where I only provide lap dances and bottle service. At my home club (where I began dancing) I was friends with everyone because I’m not a ‘messy dancer’. (I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t sleep with my coworkers, and I don’t fight with other girls.) when I would go to work I would give a hug to everyone. I would smile at everyone. I would loan other girls anything they need and they would all greet me happily. It was a good place to work.
A new door guy (security and someone who brings people to the club) started working there. I was just as friendly with him as any other employee. I said hello, I gave him hugs, and we chatted on slow days or when there was nothing for me to do. A couple of weeks into our friendship he was telling me how he was going to have to wait 3 hours after close for the city bus, so I offered to give him a lift. I was having a bad night, had just gone through a breakup, and for some reason I couldn’t stop crying that night. When he got in my car he rubbed my shoulder and it didn’t seem weird.
When we got to his house I had offered to share my food with him and we sat in the driveway eating and talking. When I think back on this I remember how suddenly the topic changed to going inside. He told me his parents wouldn’t appreciate someone they didn’t know conspicuously sitting in their driveway. I had already been sharing my food so I went inside with him and after a while chatting he started making me uncomfortable.
Before I could do anything or make a move to leave he was over me, pulling my skirt up and forcing himself on me. He brutally orally raped me and I was paralyzed to do anything. He was about 3 times my size and I couldn’t imagine how I could get away. I cried and choked and he told me to shut up “about it” repeatedly. When he was done he ushered me out and didn’t look me in my face. Afterwards he texted me saying I should come over again. I ignored every text and never said a word. I didn’t go back to work.
Eventually I thought of the other girls around him daily and I made a call every ounce of me didn’t want to make. I called my boss and told him what happened. My boss and I had forged a friendship I thought, and I thought he would protect and care for me. Instead he said “what” and never said a word to me again. They put the man who raped me on company probation while they “investigated” what I had told them. They took his statement.
Eventually he was let go because of the accusations. I couldn’t bring myself to work at the club I was at anymore. It made me sick to my stomach to be treated so coldly. No one asked me anything, no one spoke to me about it. Everyone I had been so friendly to wouldn’t speak to me. Soon the entire company knew about it. I started working at an affiliated club so that I could continue paying my bills and he started coming into the club I moved to. Every time I saw him I would feel panicked and leave work after having them kick him out. He hasn’t been barred completely and has come back 3 times. My heart is broken by how no one is supporting me or cares what I’ve gone through. No one believes me because I can’t provide proof it happened.
I’ve never felt so alone in my life and I’ve never felt so disgusting and humiliated. I have no support group and I can’t bring myself to talk about it in person. Every part of me hurts.
I don’t know what to do.