I think my relationship may be about to get abusive … it started when I stupidly did not discourage a male from being sexual with me over social media
It was wrong of me and I know that.
I stupidly allowed my PND and low self esteem to take the better of me in that situation
My thought was
“You’re fat and ugly, your partner thinks the same too”
So when another male showed sexual interest I allowed it
While I did encourage him, I didn’t discourage him either
And that was wrong
My partner found out..
My BEST FRIEND
He’s hurt. Of course he’s hurt and I have nobody to blame for that but me
How could I ever hurt him like I have ?!
How could I ever have been so fucking stupid???
We spoke and I thought things were somewhat sorted between us
I knew the trust would be hard to rebuild
I know because he’s shattered my trust before
More than once
But that isn’t the point.
He wanted to have sex in the utility room, I said no
He pushed and pushed and forced his penis inside of me
Is this rape?
God knows I deserve it
I got out of that situation unharmed, I went outside to avoid him for a while
Came back, and he acted as though nothing had happened
Cue bed that night, he again tried to initiate sex
I complied, it’s the least I can do after betraying his trust
The sex was rough, I didn’t enjoy it. But I allowed it to continue regardless
Half hour after he finished he wanted to go again, again I complied
It was this time when he strangled me, I couldn’t breathe.
I justified it in my head “he’s upset, he wants to hurt me without actually hurting me”
I mentioned it the day after
He “didn’t realise he had done it”
Ok, not to worry
We spent the day together and had a good laugh,
I hadn’t laughed like that in such a long time
We had such a good day together as a family
Again, back in bed that night he brought up my infidelity
We spoke, I asked if he wanted to hit me, I felt like I deserved it.
He was horrified I even suggested such a thing
“Id never hit a woman, EVER”
He again initiated sex
He wanted anal, I refused
That didn’t stop him
He forced himself in me once again
And despite my screams and crying he continued
I tried to get away, he held me in place while he continued to force sex
I again, thankfully managed to get away
I ran, I was so distraught, I ran to the bathroom
But there is no lock
So, naked, scared and still crying I ran to my car
I drove away
I had nowhere to go. I’d left my phone so couldn’t ring anyone for help
And stupidly, all I wanted was my partner. The man who was my everything
But also the man who he caused me to be in this situation
I returned home, he was looking for me
“Are you ok?”
NO, no I am not
“You wanted me to hurt you”
Not like that …
he didn’t understand my point of view
I returned to bed and put some clothes on
What if he tries to rape me again?
What if this is the start of an abusive relationship?
Is this what I deserve?
He acted like nothing happened. And went away to work in the morning
Will tonight be better? Only time will tell?
I know everyone will read this and think
“Why stay?! Take your children and leave!”
But I can’t, it isn’t who he is.
He’s an amazing man, and my entire world
Thankfully I can recognise that what has happened the last two nights is wrong
If it continues, I’m gone.
But for now. I’m hoping he will be the man I love
The caring, affectionate man
I’m hoping this is his way of getting his frustration out for what I’ve done to him
I’m hoping this is the end