Sometimes We Survive The Day And Consider That Progress

Honest feelings. I am sure many will relate.

Laying here today while Lauren and little Zea slept I had these thoughts run through my mind.

Ya know when you have these underlying thoughts that seem to stay with you?

Some days are good, some days are tough.

SO tough..

I guess you call it parenthood right? Or just life..

“Enjoy holding her while she sleeps, because one day it will be the last time”. – A friend said that to me as a way to remind myself how precious each moment is, even when Zea is crying and it feels utterly impossible to get anything done other than just survive the day.

Sometimes we just gotta survive the day and consider that progress.

All the questions that run through my mind..

How do I manage the stress and pull between working to provide and to be present emotionally and love. How do I step away from the phone and computer and not think about life’s pressures of being an adult.

Which brings the deeper questions..

Am I a good father?

Am I a good husband?

What if I am not enough.

How do I love Lauren more and be there for her more during her motherhood journey, when I struggle myself at times?

Wanting to be all the things, to everyone so badly and the frustration that ensues from that when I can’t.

These questions I feel like are the first layer.

As I dig below I think it ultimately leads to this idea of death and separation. It scares me, it’s even hard to talk about it here.

This fear of being apart with something you love so so much.

My fear for her and her own death someday..

And hoping that it is a long long way away, far beyond my time & she lives a beautiful full life.

To my own death and desperately wanting and needing to feel like I have “it” figured life out, realizing I never will – but still clinging to some insane hope.

Not even sure what “it” actually is..

Becoming a parent is life changing on so many levels. It is so freakin hard at times too. One thing I know is it has forced me to look deeper into myself.

“Enjoy holding her while she sleeps, because one day it will last time”.

Then I think to myself..

We can see that with everything in life.

The last laugh, the last cry, the last kiss, the last “I love you”.

Then I come back to this moment as she sleeps.

Her little head resting on my chest.

Lauren beside us both.

It brings tears of happiness to my eyes knowing I can feel so deeply, even if its pain at times.. With that deeper pain, comes a deeper love too.

I am realizing now I have to express it more physically. I think men (I know this is true for me) tend to block off, shut down and detach to some extent emotionally because we fear not being good enough.

We fear not raising our kids right.

That we aren’t as present with our partner as we know we need to be.

We aren’t as connected.

All the while deep down – we fear death and being apart from them.

We bury it in striving and achieving.

In doing “stuff”.

In busy schedules and rushing around.

I know I do.

Providing financial support, but we aren’t always there in the ways we know we should be, but it’s hard to face that vulnerability at times..

That we are also scared too.

But each time I come back to appreciation, even on the days that feel tough, because through this it helps me remember that sometimes just surviving the day matters.

That I might not get all the ‘things’ done..

But I might be there for Lauren & Zea and that is enough. Tomorrow will come and I will be able to figure tomorrow out when it comes.

The other, bigger questions..

Well that’s life.

Dads out there.. Mothers.. People just trying to figure life out. Know you aren’t alone. It’s such a mirror into our own lives and all the things we need to work on too.

I am grateful for that, even when it hurts..

🙂

Credit https://www.facebook.com/fraser.bayley