I nearly stopped myself from posting this. Numerous times. Because I didn’t want to be one of ‘those’ people. I didn’t want to be another blogger with another mental health issue. I didn’t want to lay out a sympathy post. But for those of you who know me & those of you who don’t. I have a secret to tell you.
So if your unlucky enough to know what these tablets are, then I don’t have to describe to you what this post is regarding. But if you don’t I will fill you in.
That medication allows me to deal with a normal day to day life. Although most days it leaves me tired, spaced out and emotionless. Crazy right? Why would anyone want to feel like that. Well this is why.
You see I suffer from depression and anxiety. My anxiety is usually spurred on by a ‘dark’ mood. Let me start by saying, I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I never have & I hopefully never will. My depression takes me to other places. Simple things like relationships and friendships become so trivial, so complicated.
In my brain it doesn’t sit right, something seems different. I notice little differences that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t notice.
That comment you didn’t tag me in, but you tagged other people? I saw that, why didn’t you tag me? What’s up with me?
You read that message, I saw you did, but you didn’t reply.. why didn’t you reply? Have I done something to upset you?
You didn’t say I love you on the phone.. do you not love me anymore? Do you love someone else instead?
They just made a comment about me. Was it a joke? Was I supposed to laugh? Or do they mean it? Are they being nice? Are they talking about me? Do they talk about me? I bet they hate me.
Am I doing this right? Is this what a dad should do? What if this is wrong. Oh god. What if someone reports me. What if they take my kids. Should I hide? Should I leave. I’m a bad dad. I can’t do this.
Am I good enough? Should I just run away and hide?
And for all those questions I will spend hours trying to answer. Let it all build up in my mind, until it sends me to tears…… it’s mental that isn’t it. That I see things that way. Some call it psycho but what it really is.. is a mental illness.
It’s not only mental changes, but physical changes. I eat a lot, mainly rubbish, because I need it now and I need the energy from lack of sleep. Insomnia, up all night answering questions to situations that don’t even exists.
I still smile and I have every excuse for when you ask why.
But this tablet helps me.
Because I know when I start to feel this way or think this way, I need help.
I know that when my behaviour starts to change, I need guidance.
And I understand that I don’t need to be ashamed. I don’t need to be understood. I just need to be accepted. Everyone is fighting a battle and sometimes you need to be kinder.
So I may just be another blogger who’s talking about mental health. But this is the reason for my silence recently. For my lack of posts. For my lack of enthusiasm.
And to my friends and family. I love you and I’m grateful, because living with this illness is hard, but trying to understand it, is harder.
Don’t suffer in silence.
#speakout
Full Credit to he amazing David Marshall