This Picture Makes Me Sad And Reminds Me How Awful I Was

This picture actually makes me sad, while others treasure their scan photos all this does is remind me of how awful I was.

I didn’t announce my pregnancy until I was over 20 weeks and even then I wasn’t going to because to be honest I was embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed of the situation I had put myself, I was 17 years old, pregnant with a guy I wasn’t with and who offered to pay for my abortion, working a part-time job and out partying 24/7.

After I reached the point of no return where abortion was concerned I started to question myself “have I done the right thing?” I’ll be bringing up a child on my own, in a bedroom in my mum and dad’s house, I’ll have no life and no other guy will want to be with me when I have someone else’s child.

It was all about me! I struggled to “bond” with the bump, never spoke to anyone about how I felt and constantly thought I had made the wrong decision. Eventually I gave birth (awfully of course) which made the situation even worse, I didn’t have any skin to skin contact to bond with her, she was just taken away, I’ve never felt so emotionally, mentally or physically drained in my entire life, looking back on it now I remember the bare minimum.

I know they took my little girl away to the NICU and came to let me know she had to go another hospital 100 miles away, I was so exhausted I didn’t even want to go and see her, I just wanted to sleep but I did, I sat there in a wheelchair like a zombie totally zoned out while a midwife “milked me” like a cow. Then asked to go to bed.

The next day I went to the  children’s hospital as baby had been taken there overnight, I remember seeing her all tubed up and my stomach sank, I didn’t know what to do. I still didn’t feel a bond between us, I couldn’t even hold her, she didn’t have a name for 4 days.

I should have received a lot of help from a psychologist or someone to sort my head out after this but the hospital didn’t offer anything so I just got on with it, looking back I strongly think I suffered with Post natal depression but never spoke to anyone about how I was feeling (as I do).

I went to the hospital first thing in the morning to last thing at night but still didn’t feel like I should have towards her. Getting her home I remember thinking I wished I could go out and do what I want, have my life back, I was still a good mum but I wasn’t happy. I can’t remember what or when it was that changed in my mind but my baby became my everything as she should’ve been from day 1.

I feel sick now even thinking that I thought that way. I still think about my life before and how easy it was and I didn’t have to get a babysitter to go to a friend’s birthday but that’s not worth anything compared to having a mini you, my little girl is one of the most beautiful children I’ve met even though I’m biased, she makes me laugh every single day without fail!

I regret not celebrating my pregnancy and enjoying it for her, I regret not asking for help and I regret doubting my decisions but I don’t think I’d be where I am today if it wasn’t for that.

I think meeting my new partner was a big turning point, knowing there was someone who would love me with a child. Not only love me but love my child more than anything as if she was his own, now she is his, he’s her dad and we now have another beautiful daughter to fill our lives with happiness. I haven’t suffered any PND this time round thank god, I can’t leave this baby alone 😂 I wish so much it had been the same with my first and I had seeked help. If you have bothered to read this massive spiel and you or someone you know might be suffering from PND then please get help, it is fixable. ❤️

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