Bottle Fed babies are 100% More Likely To…

Since I have now been a parent for 11 years now I think I am highly qualified to dish out some unsolicited advice across the internet, you can thank me later. A few cheeky things I have learnt since I became a mum especially a mum to 3:

If you bottle-feed your precious baby then they are statistically 100% more likely rob a grandmother when they get older.

If you breastfeed your baby then your child will still be breastfeeding on their wedding day. Oh and also could you put them away please, you are totally turning us all on.

If you use a dummy your child will never speak and when they do it’ll only be to say ‘give me a dummy now’. When they’re 18.

If you don’t use a dummy your baby is in grave danger. Just generally. Particularly of falling coconuts.

If you leave your baby to cry, even just for a second (especially to read this blog) then your baby will be irreparably damaged and more than likely hate you forever.

If you never let your baby cry then you are totally spoiling them and they will more than likely appear on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteenth demanding a unicorn.

If your child watches more than 10 minutes of television before the age of 3 they will morph into a Mr Tumble/Peppa Pig/Piers Morgan hybrid and never stop singing jingles.

If your child has no screen time before the age of 3 then they have 47% less chance of becoming the next internet sensation and then who do you think will pay will your mortgage?

If you child has not eaten an avocado by the age of 2 then they will be unable to answer complex equations when being inexplicably quizzed by a stranger at a bus stop.

If you only feed your children healthy foods then they will have zero self-restraint and will always be the one getting shit faced on party food E numbers and tequila slammers at every single 3rd birthday party.

So there we go, a couple of things since I have learnt since becoming a mum, you are so very welcome.

On a serious note (if you’ve got this far) the only real thing I’ve learnt as a mum is you can find any article/statistic/Facebook post/interfering neighbour to back up what you want to do for your baby and 100 more to tell you you’re wrong. As long as you’re loving your baby and listening to yourself you’re doing a great job. And if no one has told you that today – you ARE doing a great job.

*also all information in this blog is factually incorrect. I bottle fed and my kid only robbed a grandmother once and I’m pretty sure it was a misunderstanding*