Most days I come home, you’re running to the door so excited to see your momma, all you want is my attention. I respond “move, I’m ready to get out of my uniform and I just wanna sit down” usually it’s the same ole thing.
Ran all day at work, got treated like crap by patients who don’t appreciate us, then got off late. I’m tired. I’m aggravated. My patience went out the window 12 hours ago. The last thing I want is for this tiny human to be crawling all over me as soon as I walk through the door. After that it’s “Did you do your homework? Did you get in trouble at school? Why isn’t your room clean? Turn the damn tv down!”
Then it’s time for bed…
And when the house is quiet and your sleeping that’s when it hits. “I was a terrible mom today”
The guilt of not showing you the attention that you crave sets in. Another day passes that I let my work, financial stresses, school, etc get the best of me. Of course I don’t mean to take things out on you. I know you’re just being a kid. I’m sorry that I fail you on a daily basis. You deserve the world.
So tonight, I let you lay next to me until you fell asleep. You always want to sleep next to me and I’m always telling you no because “you’re getting too big” but deep down inside I know the days of you saying “momma, can I sleep with you?” are numbered. Soon, you’ll stop greeting me at the door. Soon, you’ll stop asking for hugs. Soon, you’ll stop wanting me to sit in your room with you and watch tv. Soon, you’ll be gone all weekend with your friends and there won’t be a loud tv on…. It’ll just be silence.
Even though you’re almost bigger than me, I carry you to bed tonight. Hoping I can be a better mom tomorrow.