Can I have a post please? I’m now 18, but since 13 I feel like I’ve been strugg…

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Can I have a post please?
I’m now 18, but since 13 I feel like I’ve been struggling with my mental health really badly, I’ve been self harming since 13 as both my parents was physically and emotionally abusive due to drugs, gambling, drink as well as mental health. My mum left when i was 6 but my dad never talk to me about periods or sex or anything. I was molested at 12 and emotionally blackmailed into sex at 13, got pregnant at 15 which he wanted nothing to do with. Got my own home and had a second baby at 17 to my boyfriend who I adore but is also emotionally and physically abusive. I just feel like my life is constant work, kids, cleaning and running round after boyfriend, I love him but hate him so much! I can’t even go out without feeling like something bad is going to happen and putting myself into situations that haven’t even happened for example I have to walk along a 4 lane busy road every day and when I do I feel like one of the car’s is going to lose control and then I think who would I save first to the point I’m crying. I can’t answer my own door, if I don’t know them I’m not opening it and they’re always locked! I have literally one friend who lives miles and miles away from me who’s just distancing from me I’ve only just felt like I’ve been able to bond with my second (8 months) properly and since he was born ive only once had a night off which was spent cleaning. I desperately want to be happy and feel like me again even though I’ve forgotten what that feels like I just want to get out of this blur, I want the man I feel in love with I know he’s still there I know he still loves me but he also suffers from mental health (bipolar anxiety and depression) our relationship is a mess T the minute and I k ow I can fix this if I can fix me I justifying know how. I need to explain how I’m feel I to my doctor but I can’t even put it into words. I’ve looked up different mental health and their symptoms and I can relate to anxiety depression and bpd but I don’t want to go in say it and get laughed at or be diagnosed with this in case its something more..I’m not too sure what I want from this, I guess just a little support from anyone😭
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