Can I have a PP please? I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, I guess some unb…
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Can I have a PP please? I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, I guess some unbiased advice based on my biased version of a story and just somewhere to get it all out with some anonymity.
My 26 year old partner of three years has spent intermittent parts of the last year off work with “anxiety and depression” (quoting his sick notes). Although has also had time off due to other illnesses such as a water infection (only his urine test came back clear), feeling tired and dizzy (he’s had blood tests and hormone tests and nothing has shown up on any of them) and an upper respiratory tract infection. And to be honest it is baffling me.
His family keep telling me he’s just lazy and he has always been like this, that he thinks the world owes him and he should just be given everything without any effort.
And I find it hard to disagree with them after they’ve spent the last 9 months telling me the above, and because I look at conventional symptoms of depression and he doesn’t have them. He has a normal sleeping pattern, falls asleep without any difficulty and wakes refreshed and ready to do his own thing – just not go to work. He isn’t suicidal, he doesn’t mope around. No abnormality with his appetite. There is no loss of libido or difficulty reaching orgasm. There is no loss of interest in his hobbies. He’s capable of leaving the house and doing things. Every couple of months he’ll take time off work citing various illnesses and this will last 2 days to 2 weeks. Then eventually he gives in and goes back to work. The first day will be a struggle and he’ll say how drained it makes him feel but then after that nothing is mentioned for a couple of months until he wakes up one morning and doesn’t go to work, and regardless of what the issue he’s off with is (he’s had a stomach virus that he stretched into 3 days but myself and everyone else around him had for 24 hours) we know he’s not going to rush to go back to work.
His family are difficult to live with. He literally cannot do anything right with them. He does the housework and gets told the house has gone to ruin or lost it’s sparkle. He’s encouraged to do things or buy things that within a few weeks he’s given hassle for. He puts a single item down anywhere in the house and he’s treated like he’s dumped a bag of manure in the house.
His sister has even phoned his boss and told him that there is nothing wrong with him other than he’s lazy in an attempt to get him sacked.
What confuses me most is his mother, she says things to me like he’s lazy and he’s making her ill not going to work and he needs to go and he’s never going to change and I deserve better etc etc And then encourages him to take time off work “to get better” and has even suggested he goes back to college now. Then to each me and him says that she’s said no such thing to the other. She’s encouraged him to stay home for the last two weeks “to get better” but then hasn’t let him leave the house incase work see him enjoying himself. Which if she genuinely believes he’s depressed despite telling me otherwise, seems contradictory as surely being under house arrest isn’t going to help him?
When he’s been off work sick and we’ve had plans, such as Valentine’s day, I’ve had his sister phoning and texting me saying if he’s too ill to go to work then he’s too ill to go out anywhere and I need to cancel plans with him.
I feel they’re making me be the bad cop while the mother plays good cop. A few weeks ago she wanted me to go to the doctors with him and demand to be let into see the doctor with him because I’m his fiancée. As it was he was out of his appointment by the time I’d left work and got to the doctors surgery. It was only after I wondered why she couldn’t as his mother go to the doctors with him as she was five minutes away from there.
He has NO privacy in his own bedroom. They both literally barge in on him whenever they feel like. His mum changes his bed when it suits her, and moves his stuff around, takes cards down, changed his bedside drawers over emptying all his stuff etc etc. I asked what happened if he was masturbating… the answer worried me. He’s said he isn’t allowed to. That she has walked in on him doing that, shouted at him, called him a pervert for it and said he’s not to do it under her roof.
She continually goes on to me and him that he needs to move out, she thought he’d have moved out by now and basically makes him feel like he’s just in the way there. And we are working towards moving in together by saving up to buy a house. But obviously I’m reluctant to live with him and buy a house with him if he’s going to be off work all the time and the bills go unpaid.
Personally I do think that it is possible that he is depressed about his home life as his entire life hasn’t been the best (his dad used to hit him, and he’s told me stories where he doing things he shouldn’t have been but as a child didn’t know better, his mum saw him doing them
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Post continued- and just left him to it and then his dad saw, his mum said she had told him to stop but he just doesn’t listen, and then he got hit for it). But I just don’t know. I feel like his family have really messed up my thoughts and opinions of it. They’ve drilled into me that he’s a liar, and I have first hand experience of him telling lies about arguments we’ve had that have painted him entirely as a victim – but considering the punishment system he was brought up with I’m not surprised. I’ve asked his family if his dad used to hit him….his mum said no…but his sister told me that it was true….but only because he deserved it (she never got hit).
And even the lies he’s told about our arguments, they aren’t full out lies, just taking out the context and shades of grey and removing all fault from himself in a way. And I’m not surprised there either because it’s about the only time he gets any support from his family.
But overall he isn’t a bad guy. I’ve seen how his family treat him, one of the first things his sister said to me was couldn’t I get a normal boyfriend – and all he was doing at the time was hitting steak with a wooden spoon to tenderise it, so I know the stories he tells me of things they do and say to him when I’m not there are true.
I probably should have added earlier that his dad died years ago now. And I think his mum resents him (my partner) for it because she had to keep going to keep a roof over their heads etc and she hasn’t moved on since…. she hasn’t had another partner his death. And although she just wants him (and to a lesser degree his sister) gone so she can get her house back to herself, she has abandonment issues and doesn’t really want him to move out, thus the encouraging him to stay off work – she resents that both him and his sister are carrying on with their lives and she hasn’t at all.
It’s so confusing because both his mum and his sister are lovely to me, at least to my face, and I thought we were getting close, which is obviously best for in-laws….They even threw us a surprise engagement party 15 hours after we got engaged. But I can’t shake the feeling that the way they’re treating him, and how he’s been treated his whole life, is why he is the way he is, and that he isn’t going to get better if they carry on at him the way they do.
My friends are all encouraging me to walk away because all the stress and drama is making me poorly with panic attacks, I haven’t been sleeping or eating properly etc. I don’t really want to, but I have a young child to think about too, and if this not going to work problem is going to be a lifelong thing for my partner, it isn’t going to provide a very stable home life for my son and I. I don’t need to be told I’m selfish there because I already know that that isn’t overly supportive to my partner. I just feel stuck in such a rut with it all.