Can I have a private post please I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel li…

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Can I have a private post please I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a complete failure as a woman and mother.. Iv had a hard time growing up bein adopted and loosing 3 parents at a young age both birth parents and my dad who brought me up I swore I’d do better for my kids and Im now at the point where I jus don’t no how much longer I can cope, my eldest twos dad was abusive badly beat me though my pregnancys causing loads of complications and nearly loosing them social services got involved and for 5 years straight it was a huge battle between me and them to prove I could keep them safe but it resulted in me not being able to take my middle daughter home fof a month after she was born wich affected our bond. I moved away and never felt like I belonged because I don’t trust people I don’t get on with most mums at school causing my kids to be left out alot frequently and picked on and recently iv been struggling that much the school are constantly telling me everything that I’m doing wrong Everyday in front of other mums and making me feel like I can’t get it right. My eldest was getting picked on and she had swimming I couldn’t find her swimming costume and put her sisters in, it was pepper pig. Everyone burst out laughing at her for it and for days she didn’t want to go in school I felt so bad. I was pregnant with a little boy wirh my ex fiancé and he died during labour I felt like I couldn’t keep my baby’s safe when it’s my job to. and it didn’t fully hit until we went on to have another daughter and I broke down feeling like id let her down (my body gave up and I had to be induced and she ended up extremely poorly in nicu.) my relationship broke I developed pnd and could not cope atal I battled for months and months trying to get better but it was to late it took it’d toll and my fiancé left. I found out I was pregnant and now 30 weeks with all the drama surrounding the other baby’s he made it clear he didn’t want It and walked away. He’s come back since but it’s obvious he hates me and the pregnancy he’d jus not interested I feel again like iv failed this baby like it’s my fault he doesn’t love it. Because he doesn’t trust me because I made him loose one child and made his daughter poorly. Iv been by myself for weeks and started to fall poorly again I’m supposed to be on bed rest due to collapsjng but I have no help with my older two and my youngests dad only has her twice a week for 4 hours at a time. I’m so tired and run down iv gone snappy at the kids and sometimes can’t even bath my youngest if she’s kicking of because my bodys undee so much strain and I’m so high risk theyv told me to limit how much I lift her. My eldest due to the bullying at school has started to sleep walk and I am bein woke up havin to try and follow her round the houses settling her back this has happened 5 times in this past week. Around 1-3 in the morning my middle child has been struggling because of how I am and walking up creeping into my bed, she kicks and elbows sometimes catching me in the stomach so every night I guide her back to her bed and I wake up a few hours later to her kicking me again this has been happening for two weeks every night. My youngest has never slept through she just wakes up fof her dummy or blanket I have to settle her back of sometimes taking me up to a hour she wakes up every night from 3 minimum to 8 times a night I feel so poorly and so tired and feel like I jus can’t get bein a mum right I can’t get the rest I need for this baby making me feel like I’m going to loose them, I can’t get the energy I need to be a good mum making me feel like I’m failing massively and I’m so list and lonely I feel like I’m going to be all by myself and somethings goin to go wrong with the pregnancy again and no one’s going to be there. Iv phoned the mental health team and theyv referred me to a syciatrst but it can take 3 weeks but the last time my kids were at school and my youngess dad had our daughter I was driving on a bypass and something told me to drive into a wall it was so strong and it scared me. I don’t no how to be a better mum or feel better has anyone been through this I feel like such a crap mum and my kids would be better off without me and happier sorry for the long post
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