Can I have a private post please? I don’t know where else to turn. Back in April…

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Can I have a private post please?
I don’t know where else to turn.
Back in April I started seeing a guy, he was lovely, amazing, so understanding of my depression etc
We slept together after a while, we took precautions but I fell pregnant still.
He didn’t want to keep the baby, I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know if I’d cope with another child but I already loved the little bean growing inside of me.
To cut a long story short he pressured me into an abortion and I was broken, I hated myself, I hated him and I hated the world. He manipulated me into thinking it’s what was best for me, my child, him, his child and the baby and I later found out it’s actually because he was cheating on me and didn’t want the other girl to find out he’d got someone pregnant. That was a few months ago now but I’m still so broken, all I can think about is how I did that, I actually did it and I still hate myself. I know exactly how far a long id be now if I didn’t go through with it, I’m dreading the due date coming up and I just keep crying. I feel so guilty.
Not many people know and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone for fear of being judged.
Today is a day I should be grieving for the baby a miscarried (a very long time ago) but I now feel I can’t grieve for this baby because I willingly gave another baby to heaven. It’s my fault this baby is gone so I don’t feel I can grieve this one either.
My mum and the few friends that know have been so supportive and are always telling me I am allowed to grieve this baby and the one I miscarried but I just feel horrid, I’m a horrible person, I hate myself.
I don’t really know what to expect from this, maybe advice if anyone has any but please please no harsh words, I already how horrible I am. 😢
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