Can I have pp please? It’s a bit long! I don’t know what I should do. My partn…

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Can I have pp please? It’s a bit long!

I don’t know what I should do. My partner is constantly taking his moods out on me, especially when he has something on his mind. He is never affectionate and I only get sex after he has had a drink. It’s the only time he comes near me even fora cuddle. Every time I try to talk to him about how I feel he ignores me or turns it around on me, tells me I’m being silly. I feel so insecure and hurt by it.
We have both been through a lot in the last year but I like to think I don’t take my crap out on him. I, however, do bottle things up because I can’t talk to him. I have been quite depressed over the last year and have been in counselling etc.
It all ends up in a total disaster as it all ends up coming out when I’ve had a drink.
I know that is my problem and I shouldn’t do it. We had a massive argument last weekend and another last night. It ends up getting violent. I try and speak to him and he laughs at me and belittles me in front of people. I get massively frustrated and angry because he laughs at me or ignores me or tells me to leave or tells me I’m crazy. Because I’m angry he will do something physical.
Last night he pinned me down by my throat. He tells everyone that I hit him. I did one time and have never done it since as I felt so bad. I have put my hands on his chest to push him back because he won’t listen to me. He seems to think he is pinning me down because I have hit him which I haven’t.
He grabbed me so hard last time I had bruises for 2 weeks. Last night I was pinned by my throat and he kept saying ‘if you keep hitting me, I will have to hit you back’ (there are always other people in the house. So I don’t know if that is relevant). I hadn’t hit him but I did lash out trying to get him off and have drawn blood. So now he hates me. He said ‘if you think I was an arsehole last night I’m only just getting started’. He now has ammunition to make me suffer because I defended myself. He will tell everyone how violent and out of control I am and ‘do you see what I have to put up with’.
It doesn’t matter that my neck and arms feel bruised this morning. It will be I hurt him.
He threatens to kick me out all the time and says I have a problem because it only happens if I drink. Which may be true but I’m not the one using violence. I just get angry and upset when he laughs at me. I feel the same everyday not just when I have had a drink but just can’t talk to him about it because I’m scared how he will react.
We live with someone else and this person is his friend so always sides with him because he doesn’t see what he is doing when no one is looking.
My partner is not normally a violent man. He says it is me that I make him do it because I am out of control. He tells me I make a fool of myself all the time. I do get mad and cry because he won’t listen.
I don’t know what to do. He is just going to make me suffer now. I just want him to listen to how I feel. Is that so much to ask? I feel like I’m going mad. I love him and most of the time things are good and we get on really well but the last few weeks have been terrible.
It’s not all him. I know the problem is me too but I don’t know how to tackle this and make it better. I feel so alone. I wonder if it is really all me and I deserve all this.
Sorry this post is so long but what would you all do?
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