Domestic violence ! Possible trigger warning! Please post this for someone else …

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Domestic violence ! Possible trigger warning! Please post this for someone else that sent it to me. No hate please.

Its time for me to start listening to me,
The day has come to set myself free,
My head and my heart always at war
My head saying go, my heart shuts the door.
Suffering each day with the hurt and the pain
Yet wanting to hold you again and again
Feeling your strength as I hit the ground
An explosion of anger too tightly wound.
There’s nowhere to go, you’ve locked the door
Eyes shut so tight, please god no more!
Numb yet in pain as I struggle to stand
Then my lip splits from the force of your hand
I can’t get away there’s no place to run
Just ride out the storm, the worst of its done
Blurred from my tears or the blow to my head
I can’t seem to focus perhaps I am dead?
Lying on the floor I pray this is the last
Then a kick to my stomach as you stride past
I crawl to a corner where I cower and sob
“You pushed me to it now shut your gob”
Back again this time to silence my question
Your hand covers my mouth to teach me a lesson
I struggle to breath so you grip even tighter
I’m scared that I’m dying my heads getting lighter.
One final shove as my head hits the wall
I scream, “if you cared why be so cruel”
Then like a switch as you turn on a light
“Please let me hold you, are you alright”?
I’m stunned but relieved that it’s finally ended
You kiss all the bruises, to you now its mended.
For me it’s not over, I still question why?
To hide what YOU’VE done now I have to lie.
Family aren’t stupid they guess what’s gone on
I lie to protect you and say nothings wrong
Gradually the damage starts to heal and fade
I stuck to my story and kept up the charade.
I’m Clumsy you see and have small grandchildren
Always getting bumped in the face with their toys,
It’s not fair to them when you are to blame
Why do you not feel embarrassed or shame?
It’s your reputation that must stay in tact
You won’t do it again and that’s a fact,
I cannot predict when the next rage will be
But I know before long you are sure to kill me!

I took this from the internet, the words are my relationship! My partner was only violent in drink. My partner attacked me when I was making dinner & ended up stabbed! I was arrested & released. I could have faced 18 years in prison for stabbing him by accident. He came home and a few months later arrested for straggling me in the street. This really hit Home, but still I can’t heal my heart. I’m alone now and frightened I will never be happy again. My heart hurts in my chest for him to speak to me again, to touch me and tell me he loves me. I adored him even though when drunk he beat me. The rest of the time was passionate and intense. I know it’s stupid. He got sent to prison then banned from seeing me. He’s out now and with his ex from years ago. I’m gutted. I know I’m better off not being hurt but how do I stop my heartbreaking? I have been abused by men since 11. I’m all alone, I don’t have a single friend to talk to or have coffee with. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I miss him. I have no life now. I drink way to much after 5pm usually 2 bottles of wine now a night. I don’t work due to mental health, I have not a single friend and no social life. I looked up various groups in my rural area, there is not many. I can usually go 10 days without speaking to another human. I’m lonely & heartbroken. I don’t know how I will ever mend my heart. I’m gutted he has now gone. He has blocked everything so won’t talk to me. Then unblocks me for 5 mins to tell me he loves me and is coming home etc/ then blocks again. My life is such a rollercoaster I don’t know how I change this or heal myself. Our children are older so no safety issues or agency involvement. I just need to stop hurting.
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