Hi, can I have a private post on private chat please? I’m not sure why I’m even …
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Hi, can I have a private post on private chat please? I’m not sure why I’m even writing this or what I hope to get from it, maybe some reassurance it’s ok, some advice on what to do or how to calm myself? I really don’t know.
Basically I feel like I’m heading for a complete breakdown. I’m struggling so much just now, more than usual. My husband started working again on Tuesday after being off sick for 2 months. He’s working on a week by week basis as long as the company needs him so it’s not a secure job or anything. It’s within the company he was already working for but his previous job no longer exists for him. We are struggling so much financially, I don’t work as we can’t afford the childcare and my health isn’t great as well. We’ve 3 kids, a 9 year old who’s going through assessment for Autism and ADHD, basically diagnosed but still to do the final assessment and get the formal diagnosis, a 5 year old who’s behind with his speech. He and selective mutism and his speech is about a year behind, he has a really bad stutter and emotionally etc isn’t at a 5 year old level. I’m currently dealing with him having nightmares every night and crying every day as he’s so scared about school in august. We also have a 3 year old who starts nursery in august. I’m not sure his speech is where it should be either but it is better than our middle sons was at that age.
My husband was signed off work with depression, his heart rate and BP were sky high so she put him on anti depressants and tablets to help his heart rate and BP. He was on double the dosage you would normally have for anti depressants and 4 times the amount for the other tablets it when he went back his heart rate and BP were too low so she had to adjust it all. He’s now on a normal dosage of anti depressants and two times the normal amount for the others. He has awful nightmares due to the anti depressants and I’ve been too scared to stress him out so I’ve been handling everything myself. Normally I deal with all the housework and majority of shopping and he pays the bills. I’ve been trying to make sure money is ok for bills, it’s all in his name and comes out his acct so all I can do is check he has money for them. I’ve been sorting kids birthdays, housework, shopping etc and finding money for everything else like school trips and stuff. I’ve seen myself buying only for the kids and him but no food for me or cutting right back and having to make stuff last for me and him. The kids eat a lot of the same as us like pasta and stuff but the don’t always especially my eldest as he has texture and flavour sensitivities.
I’ve tried to hide all the stress and how I’m feeling from him, we’ve and lots going on and had to contact the police after the father of one of the boys bullying my eldest came to the door shouting and threatening my husband and son. I’ve dealt with our middle son and his speech and crying etc, I’ve dealt with our youngest and anything happening with him. I’ve went round in circles trying to sort the mess that is our house out and sort the garden but my own health is struggling and I’ve been in a flare all week. My own mental health is struggling, I’ve struggled with it since I was a teen and normally I can cope and I fight through it now as I know the signs and I had taking medication of any kind so I fight before it gets to the stage where I want to self harm again but I’m struggling so much. I feel like walking out the door and not coming back. I have Fibro and ME and I’m hurting everywhere, I am so tired and just had enough. I’m a bridesmaid at my friends wedding next month and need to give her money for the room we’re staying in the night before and of the wedding and I don’t have that money, I’ve nothing close to that money. I’ve £40 to last us a week. I’ve still kids uniforms to order and the nursery to pay. I don’t have the money. I’m so fed up of the kids fighting, of trying to prevent meltdowns, of not sleeping or falling asleep and being woken up by either my middle or youngest son or at the moment my husband hitting and kicking while having a nightmare. I’m fed up being too sore and my arms going so I can’t lift the iron, I’m fed up of trying to sort the house out only to turn round and it looks like a tornado came through it. I’m just fed up of everything. I’m constantly trying not to cry and just want to scream and leave but of course I need to plaster the smile on my face and pretend like I’m fine because I don’t want to let anyone down, at least more than I already have. This isn’t how I wanted my kids to grow up and this isn’t the kind of home I want for them. It’s always a mess and even if I Hoover 6 times a day it still needs done again and looks like it’s never been done.
Please tell me this is normal and in need to snap out of it because right now it feels like I’m hanging on by a thread that’s about to snap. I feel like I’m slowly having a breakdown and just want to crawl into bed and never get back out. I know I’ve missed stuff out but I can’t think right now.
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