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Private post please? Any mums on here with Borderline Personality Disorder? I h…

Private post please? Any mums on here with Borderline Personality Disorder?
I haven’t been diagnosed but I suspect I MAY have it, but some days I feel completely “normal” and I feel like there’s nothing wrong with me, whereas other days I’ll hate people and turn on them for no reason and I just can’t help it at all 😖 including my partner. He describes me as “hard to love” and in another breath, when I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with me he goes “I don’t know, you’re just you”. I was raped by my half brother as a child and my nan left me when I was 7 and just walked out of my life for no reason and I got back into contact when I was 16 so I literally thought it was my in capability to trust people, just thought I built walls around myself. For some reason I thought I was incapable of having a mental illness, I really don’t know why I thought I was immune or something and my behaviour was normal because of my past but I don’t let anybody get close to me. Ive got many symptoms but my main one that affects my life is my in capability to build and maintain decent relationships, I just tear them down and I’ve lost so many friends and I’ll cut off family for long periods of time and luckily none of them have left me yet but the way I feel restricts me from having a good relationship with the in laws and I’m really struggling because I hate them for no reason most days; they’re not great people at all really (not going to go into that) but I feel I need a relationship with them for my kids sake but then again I need to protect my kids from them too 😳 then I also don’t think they’re that bad either? It’s so messed up and my heads so scrambled I feel like I need to protect me and my children from everybody 😢 I know I’m not depressed because I laugh a lot, I get up every morning with a smile on my face and see to my children, tidy up and feed them but I struggle with my feelings and it makes me feel isolated because I don’t want to be near people in fear they hurt me. I just cut myself off from people without any warning, including my partner I will just push him away tell him to leave and that I hate him and the next minute I want him to stay and I love him, he’s hurt me before though and I felt it always went back to that. I don’t want him to do it again. (I’ve been with him since we were 15 & 16) He promises to always be by my side but I feel like one day he’ll get sick of my attitude and behaviour and eventually leave 😪 One part of me says I’ve forgiven everyone but another part of me knows I haven’t because I can’t let anything go and people who haven’t even hurt me before have to suffer because I can’t trust them either. There’s so much more but I’m aware this post is getting long. I’ve booked a doctors appointment anyway but it’s not for another week, my thoughts are scrambled. 😳 somebody, anybody have any advice for me? Anyone else suffer with BPD does this sound familiar? Or anything else it could be? I’m really trying my best to maintain relationships and it’s really not that easy. I’m not having a bad day today and I feel “normal”. Thank you x


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