Right so this is really hard for me so please go easy on me, i have 2 girls who …

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Right so this is really hard for me so please go easy on me, i have 2 girls who I wouldn’t change for the world me and my partner are rocky on and off all the time the relationship isn’t bad but he walks all over me goes out all the time drinking g now coming home etc, I can’t open up to him about how I feel as he wouldnt understand or deal with it the wrong way, ive been feeling really down lately for a good few months actually since my youngest was about 7 months she’s a year now I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I dread waking up in the morning, I’ve called the doctors on numerous occasions bit always cancelled the appointment r not shown up because I’m to scared I have panick attacks when I’m home alone both with and without the kids ive been taking strong painkillers at night just to get to sleep I constantly go into day dreams especially when washing dishes and holding a knife in my had wondering in I just killed myself or hurt myself would it go away I go to my bed every night and pray I dont wake up I went to go to a and e a fortnight ago and I was talked out of it by the only person ive kinda told how I feel to but she doesn’t know the full story and I only told her as she had my kids for a few hours and was dropping them off when I had to tell her the reason n I wasn’t home I’m scared if I tell anyone I’ll be taken away from my girls and I dont want to loose them even though I know if I go on like this they will loose me my head is all over the place and I have no one to tell to I just need some advice on how to make this go away
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