That’s Right It’s Not The Same Girl

“Haters will say it’s not the same girl. Her tattoo doesn’t match up. She’s got a different iPhone. Her hair is different. Bla bla bla…

“And they’re right… it’s not the same girl.

“And its not because in 4 yrs she had two pregnancies and two children, and she got a new iPhone.

“It’s because they are two different people. It’s because the girl before was miserable. She was hungry. She was proud of herself when she didn’t eat until she was full because that’s what they tell you to do. She was told she looked good in skinny jeans and no one told her she didn’t fit into their brands. She was never discriminated against.

“She acted like she wasn’t embarrassed to eat a burger because people would know and think that surely she eats so healthy the other time. They assumed her size equated to healthy.

“They didn’t know that she starved herself all day and into the next to eat that burger. No one knew that her day was spent constantly worrying about gaining weight, that she would even dream about it. Really, dream about eating, and waking up worried. Every. Night…This girl changed. I changed.

“I changed because I realised when I looked into my children’s eyes I never wanted to fail them, I never wanted for them to not feel loved.

“But how could I love them when I didn’t love myself?

How could I let them see me on the scales day after day?

How could I let them see me not eat?

How could I let them know that I woke in the middle of the night with anxiety that I ate too many calories in one day?

How could I tell them to love their body if I didn’t love mine?

…I no longer wanted the expectation of losing the baby weight and the old “it’s been a year now”

I no longer wanted to worry that anti-depressants would make me fat and sit there and have anxiety attacks and think “well, at least I’m not putting on weight”

I didn’t want to have my bones sticking out to determine my self worth and be miserable.

“I realised all this because I nearly fell back into it, truthfully, I nearly thought that I had to become thin quick and fit into social media, into this world of instagram and Facebook, in a world of shakes, tea and diet pills. I nearly doubted myself based on my weight, and then my son asked if he could stand on the scales after me. He watched me as he always does and said “my turn” like it was fun after watching me do it so many times.

“I don’t hate you old girl. I don’t. I don’t hate the person I was. Because I didn’t know then that I deserved love. I thought that if I looked a certain way I would be a better person.

I didn’t realise that what I weigh doesn’t define if I’m a decent human or not. Not now, not ever…

“And I realised now more than ever when I saw that little boy step on the scale.

He deserves love. He deserves never to think that his weight defines if he’s a good enough person…

“That little boy should live his life and learn that food is there to nourish him and help him grow and that food is NOT his enemy…

“You don’t need anyone’s permission to love yourself. Don’t wait for a ‘moment’ to learn love yourself, do it now. Life is so short, don’t waste it hating yourself, the world will do that for you…

“If I got hit by a bus tomorrow I would never want my tombstone to read “didn’t starve herself to please other people on the internet because she had cellulite” I’d want it to say “she didn’t die with any regrets, she lived with all she had and she loved with all her heart”

“And she threw those damn f***ing scales out. ✌🏼🀘🏼

Left: before. Right: now” – credit: Laura Mazza – Mum on the Run

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