Why Didn’t I Feel Love? Postnatal Depression 

When I was 18 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. 

My partner and I (7 years my elder) where over the moon we were so excited! At the 20 week scan we found out we was having a boy 😍 my partners face dropped (he wanted a girl) but then it hit him a son! his son!

 So we went out and brought paint and decorated the nursery. I would spend hours sat in there excited and washing all his clothes and sorting his stuff out. Then at 34 weeks I found out I had polyhydramnios (excess water) and baby was already 8lb 10!

 Panic set in I was told it was most likely a blockage in the baby and his first feed would be through a nasel tube! We was shocked ! I was induced at 38 weeks and 3 days later my son was born he was perfectly fine… I wasn’t …. Where was this rush of love I’m supposed to feel … I was numb both physically and mentally I was kept in over night I told the hospital I want my partner to stay and reluctantly they agreed and everything was fine.

 Home time came around it was horrible I felt like a failure because I thought I didn’t love my own child I would look down at this pure innocent baby and not feel anything. 

Week later the numb feeling turned to anger and resentment against both my baby and my partner. I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t do night feeds , I would put the crying baby down and walk out crying! I had no family as they lived over 300 miles away and no friends no one. 

I would stand in the kitchen over the sink washing bottles crying.( I couldn’t breastfeed either) My partner came home from work and found me in tears because I couldn’t find the remote for the telly and I had a break down, he told me I needed to go to the Doctors, so I did because I knew this wasn’t me.

I went from laid back to angry and withdrawn. I also had thoughts that I would be better off dead although I never told anyone apart from my doctor. I got help. I meet regularly with my GP and am on antidepressants. 

My baby is now a year old and I love him I have always loved him! Always will! Post natal depression is not anything to be ashamed of and is a serious issue that affects all kinds of people (including Dad’s ) and in different ways but you are not alone and there are all kinds of options other than antidepressants too!

 Although I still have no friends and I am miles away from family I have my little family and it’s perfect! To those who are reading and thinking that’s me please don’t suffer in silence it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!It gets better I promise ❤