30 THINGS THE B*STARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT CHILDBIRTH
#1 It hurts.
#2 No. It REALLY f*cking hurts.
#3 Imagine simultaneously stubbing your toe while standing on an upturned plug adjacent to a piece of Lego.
#4 Now multiply that level of pain by TWELVE MILLION.
(#5 Obviously every woman is different, it doesn’t hurt that much for everyone, some simply “blow the pain away”, and it’s “more pressure than pain” in certain cases.)
(#6 But for the remaining 99.99999% of us: it f*cking hurts.)
#7 C sections are by no means the easy option. Have you ever tried taking sole responsibility for the life of another completely helpless human being after any other form of major surgery?
#8 It doesn’t matter how much you love and trust your birth partner. By the time you are around 95% of the way through the childbirth process, writhing in agony as they stand there, blissfully pain free…you will want to f*cking MAIM THEM.
#9 Midwives are saints in human form. Anaesthetists even more so.
#10 Bar epidurals, pretty much all other forms of pain relief that they offer you in labour are about as effective as soothing an amputated limb with a squirt of antiseptic spray and a dinosaur plaster.
#11 Before going into labour, you will spend a disproportionate amount of time packing your hospital bag, which will contain roughly the amount of items you would need if embarking to set up life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean.
#12 You will use roughly 0.21% of these items.
#13 You will also have spent days, if not weeks, planning the perfect outfit to wear in childbirth which will allow you to labour comfortably whilst still retaining your modesty.
#14 By the time your cervix has reached 10cm of dilation, your modesty will have fled several hours ago, pursued by a bear, and you could be giving birth wearing nipple tassles and a gimp mask, with an audience of thousands, for all you care.
#15 You will panic that you will poo yourself in labour.
#16 And you will poo yourself in labour, by which point you will not give a shit. (Pun entirely intended.) About anything. At all. Ever.
#17 Speaking of which, childbirth is basically just like having a really big poo.
#18 If that poo was the size of a badger. And made of barbed wire. And doused with Original Source Mint and Tea Tree shower gel. And came out wielding the upper limbs of Edward Scissorhands.
#19 Once you’ve had the baby, you have to have the placenta, which all the books kind of gloss over and suggest you won’t notice, because you’ll be so wrapped up in your new baby. For the record, there is nothing I have ever been so wrapped up in, EVER, that means I would fail to notice several pounds of raw flesh falling out of my front bottom.
#20 Oh, and just when you think it’s all over?
#22 And afterpains.
#23 STITCHES AND MOTHERF*CKING AFTERPAINS.
#24 F*ck’s sake.
#25 The first post-birth wee is almost as terrifying as giving birth.
#26 And don’t get me started on the first post-birth poo.
#27 Which basically IS giving birth, all over again.
#28 It is, of course, all totally worth it ♥️
#29 But those people who tell you that “I just forgot the pain, the moment it was over”?
#30 Are lying f*cking bastards.