Police officer: Hi madam, we called around because we were concerned you’ve had a break-in.. are you ok?
Me: Yes, I’m fine?
Officer: it’s just that there’s debris all over the front lawn and a child’s bike in your hedge…
Me: yes officer..
Officer: and so we looked in through your windows and the house has clearly been turned over, every cupboard and drawer had been ransacked.. it’s carnage..
Officer: and there’s blood on your carpets.
Me: it’s ketchup.
Officer: are you sure Ma’am? Only we noticed a lot of fingerprints and smears on your patio windows, and what looks like a full face print..there’s potentially a lot of DNA evidence there..
Me: it’s ok, really
Officer: but there’s water overflowing from your taps and the sink appears to have been deliberately blocked with a shoe..
Officer: We noticed you laying on the floor in your hallway and so we listened through the letter box, and could hear you begging for a swift death, and asking for the perpetrator to stop hitting you with the vacuum hose.. are you under duress? Please blink to signal you need help..
Me: I HAVE A TODDLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!