Birth Trauma-The Walls Are Caving In
The room is caving in
My vision is blurred and skewed by tears and my eyes trying to squeeze so tight to block it out
The pain
The bright lights
The sensation of that needle and thread sewing me together
The most sensitive, central part of me
Over
And over
“Open your legs please!”
“Why can’t you use the stirrups here?”
I don’t think they believe me
I swear my legs won’t go up there
My pelvis might break open!
They don’t know me
“Wider please!, just let your legs relax ”
But I can’t
My legs won’t open, they won’t bloody relax
I want to snap them firmly shut
I want everyone to Fu*k off
Where’s my baby?
I have forgotten about him
He is quiet. Is he cold? Is he ok?
I can’t focus
When will this torture be over?
I’m shaking all over uncontrollably
I am cold
I squeeze my husbands hand tightly
His tension so palpable yet helpless to do much
I don’t think I have any tears left
“Try the gas” they say, “I’ts good for you” they say
I suck, hard.
Steady breaths in and out of the elephant -like tubing and hard plastic mouth piece
But I hate this even more now
I’m Dizzy
I feel out of control, losing grip of my thoughts
Nauseated, a dread deep in my stomach
Where’s the sick bowl?
I grip the moulded grey paper for dear life
I can feel everything
The pulling
The tightness
Pinching
Prodding and poking
It ends with a swift invasion of painkiller tablets into my back side
And finally its complete
I am completely numb
They pack up and clear the room
Just as quick as they filled it
Voices still friendly and cheery
Their day continues.
Their shifts end
But my nightmare has just began….
Welcome to postpartum
