Hi can I have a private post please? I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for but…

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Hi can I have a private post please?
I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for but I’m at the point of my relationship (been together nearly 9 years) where I’m really frustrated. We’re stuck in the same pattern, same routine, I try talking and solving problems but usually I just get blanked. We have two kids, my partner works full time and on his days off he stays in bed almost all day. I have no income and rely financially on him. Every time I need money I have to ask him and I feel I have to justify every penny I spend. I used to work full time but he makes it impossible for me to go to work, no matter what shift pattern I try and get hell make it impossible for me to attend work (not come home after work so I have no one for the kids) or forgetting to pick up the kids from school.
He drinks a lot, not every day but when he drinks it’s bringing to the point where he’s sick all over the place.
I said I want him to get some help.i said well get through this together. I do everything for him and the kids and he treats me like I’m his personal cleaner. He doesn’t appreciate me at all. He totally undermines me when it comes to raising the kids by bending the rules so he’s the good cop all the time.
He constantly tries to humiliate me in front of friends and Friday he called me socially awkward. He knew I’d love to get married and says he’d marry me tomorrow if he’d have the money to but also says marriage means nothing to him.
I feel like I want out I’ve wasted all this time where I could have worked and actually made friends (not his friends) gone on holidays and parties and enjoyed myself instead I wait every night in to tell him about my day to just get ignored cause is laptop seems so much more important.
I left before and just keep coming back cause I have nowhere to go. I just feel like we have grown apart. We have nothing in common anymore even when we go out as a couple people who don’t know us would never guess we’ve been together that long. I love him, just hate the person he has become and he has made out of me. I am such a bubbly person, always up for a laugh but apparently I’m socially awkward 😞
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