Hi Can I have an anonymous post please I need advice…. my relationship was …

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Hi

Can I have an anonymous post please

I need advice…. my relationship was perfect after years of being cheated on and being with the wrong men I finally met the man of my dreams, I finally thought I had my happily ever after.
We have been together for two years we have a house together are engaged and have a baby together (our first)
I had got pregnant as we were buying a house so although We agreed to try it happened quicker than we thought, so very lucky as some people struggle to conceive, anyway everyone said how perfect we were for each other we were always happy! We could be ourselves as we had both been in really crap relationships in the past.
Because of the bad relationships I have always been insecure and it got worse when I fell pregnant I wouldn’t drive him mad but would probably text once I had gone to bed (was so tired when pregnant I always went to bed at 9pm)
So I’d text him and say “I’m so scared that you are going to get bored of me and start talking to someone else and it would be my worst nightmare” when we first got together he had told me he had been cheated on that even texting someone else in a secretive way or rude way when you are in a relationship is cheating! I agreed! When pregnant this became a big worry as I was not in the mood for sex or anything so I constantly asked him if he was tempted he would just tell me and we would sort it before anything happened. We both agreed.
So two years later we have booked our wedding and I saw a girls name on his last contact list on his WhatsApp so I asked who it was he stuttered said she was a friend and because of the attack in London recently he was worried for her so he text her but deleted it coz he thought I would go mad? No if you delete it then it’s not innocent his words from the beginning, after being upset about him being secretive he messaged the girl asked her to send a screenshot of their conversation when I was reading this I asked him not to lie to me and asked if anything ever happened with them he said no I promise! After an argument he then admitted that they slept together before we were together so there’s the 2nd lie! I asked him why he lied again he said he didn’t want me to be upset! I again had a long conversation saying I can’t deal with liars I just can’t!
I was reading the screenshot from her and just happened to scroll through his other messages and saw the dirty message I clicked on it read the last message which was disgusting and mentioned this girls name! He dived on me to get the phone off me nearly knocking me off the bed he was panicking so much! He then said that was before we were together so didn’t count! I saw the date it was September (I was 6 months pregnant) he then started deleting snippets of the conversation so didn’t see all of it! I then asked him again had he done it when we were together he had to admit it as I saw the dirty messages and pics!
The one thing I was so scared of and that he reassured me every time I told him I was worried he had done whilst carrying his first child! The child we were so excited about! Here’s were I’m struggling….he says he loves me never wanted her only wants me there was nothing wrong with me and nothing missing at that time he said he didn’t think about it he was pleasuring himself at the time and she happened to text him so it turned into a dirty convo! He said he doesn’t even like her it was just the same as watching porn! I saw a message where she actually said your Fiancé won’t be happy he said I just won’t tell her!
He’s been in tears since it happened keeps breaking down! Has said he fucked up and he will spend the rest of his life proving it was one time in that moment.
I share a house with him and a baby we both said we cannot forgive cheating I can’t get it out of my head and everytime I go to bed (he stays up to do late feed with our baby and I get up to do early feed) I’m worrying and sick thinking he will do it again! I never thought he would ever do this we were so happy!
So do you think u can trust again after this? I know it wasn’t a physical act as such but it was something I told him over and over that I was worried about!
Would you be able to forgive? Would you be able to trust again? Would u allow one mistake?
Sorry for the long post just want to know if anyone has forgiven their partners before? And if it worked out ok?
I’m so sorry for the long post I literally have no one to talk to as I always spoke with him about everything he was my best friend!
Please post anonymously!
Thanks for reading sorry for the very long post
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