Im 17 and I’m basically struggling and have been for the last 10 years. I’ve str…

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Im 17 and I’m basically struggling and have been for the last 10 years. I’ve struggled with always trying to be someone else, always comparing myself to other girls, i went through so many stages!! I’d think i wanted to be a boy, think i was a lesbian even though im straight, I wanted to be this and that. I literally convinced myself to act and be a different way for a period amount of time, I’m not as bad now but i still dont really know anything about myself i cant really describe myself. I have times when i just start screaming and crying and curl up getting angry crying that i want to be another person, i try to hit my boyfriend or punch walls and my boyfriend restrains me until im calmer again! I then feel so drained and i suddenly chirp up like nothing happened and my memory fogs up and i dont really remember it, i say mean nasty things to him sometimes from nowhere because i feel “he deserves better” even though he always fights for me and loves me more than anything and says hes willing to help me. Times i wont leave the house, times i self harm and ive contemplated suicide and see my life going nowhere whereas sometimes im so motivated and life getting better but one little thing can make me switch into everythings useless i just wanna die etc, is this worth going to the doctors about? Ive read up about it and it claims it could be borderline personality disorder? I get called manipulative, attention seeker and physco often😂the thing is me and my boyfriend are struggling alot at home atm and obviously its hard to move out as it clearly is too risky, has anyone else got bpd? And could maybe advise me what to do? Or can someone tell me how i deal with these issues? Because they just get worse and worse and i dont want to ruin my relationship?

Please help? Sorry its long xo
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